Days after he passed away

Day 3.

As the days went on things were just going so fast that I didn’t have time to actually sit and process on what was going on.  Phone calls, going to the home to make the plans, hanging out with family, getting things ready and just trying to hold it together for my mom.  It is so stressful planning a service for a parent. When they kept saying he would of been with us for 1-2 week and here we are just sitting here watching the world go by and missing the one person who had everybodies heart but he was hurting in the inside.  He couldn’t handle it anymore. His body was tired. I keep saying that and I keep praying that he is okay. I just want to see him. I spent the last month with him and he was taken away from me in a second. Why I keep going back why. Sorry for the rant. But im mad.

So back to the service. So we had his viewing on sunday the 2nd he looked amazing. You can tell he was no longer in pain. That he was happy. We weren’t happy but it made us feel a little better knowing that he was no longer in pain. So everything was going great we went back to my parents house we ate some food. I took some shirts of my dads and I made memory pillows for me, my girls, my mom, my sister and the boys. I busted out all of them in less than 5 days I wanted to give them to them as soon as possible. My sister cried my mom smiled and cried and I just stood there like what am I suppose to do.  I have a machine that I can cut paper out and than iron on and wrote. IF YOU NEED A SQUEEZY JUST GIVE ME A SQUEEZE LOVE and I put pop pop, dad and hubby. I sleep with mine all the time. My daughter says good night to it every night and when shes having a rough go she will go give it a squeeze and tell it she misses him. It breaks my heart. Ugh im going off track again lol.

So I left my parents house around 11 the girls was going to have a long day the next day and they needed some sleep.  The girls were amazing at church. Danica sat and watched finding dory and Mady sat with my in laws till the end and then I went and go her for some odd reason I just needed my baby with me.  We got in the car and we drove over to the cementary. Mady went with my inlaws during the burial but Danica wanted to be with me and my mom. She was such a good little girl. She followed what the priest did and she repeated what he wanted. Than it was time to finally say our good byes. We let my mom go first and than Danica and I went up and she got a flower and she said I love you pop pop and I miss you gave his casket a kiss and also said I see you soon. Mady went up with my father in law and got a flower and waved bye bye. After everybody said their good byes one last time we all got in the car. Danica rolled her window down and yelled. Bye pop pop I love you.  I finally lost it. How am I suppose to go on like this. How am I suppose to move on when my baby girl is hurting. Is she hurting or what is she feeling. I don’t know. I wish I knew.  But here we sat and I just wanted the one person to make me feel better the one person who I needed the most to tell me everything is going to be okay. Danica will be okay and he is not here to tell me. How am I suppose to go on.  Nobody can tell me I can only figure it out my way and be there to help my daughter but how when im breaking down. So after the lunchon that the church put on we went home. There was family that we hadn’t seen for years that came in or family we see once a year. New people who came into the family and my aunt starts her crap. We were all having fun we all were telling stories about dad, the kids were running around they are aged between 2-11. My aunt pulled my mom aside and went off that her brother is dead and that the kids are acting like animals the adults are laughing and what not and she is grieving. Now there is no wrong way of grieving. But for me, my sister and mom we have been fighting along side my dad for the last 9 months. We knew it was coming but we didn’t know that fast. So we were prepared but we weren’t prepared but for my aunt to go off the way she did she should of went back to the hotel quietly and moved on. She didn’t even say bye to me or anybody she just left. We haven’t heard from her. Im glad that we haven’t heard from her because im mad. Not because she is grieving because we all are but because of what she put my mom through. Im sorry but if you have an issue during an important family event like this you leave quietly and either you wait a few days and you say something or you just put it behind you. I understand my aunt is hurting she had my dad in her life the longest 63 long years but my mom had him 45 years 40 of those this past april she was married to him. I had him for 32 years and my sister had him for 35 years. We all grieving we all are hurting but you don’t see us fighting over something so terribly wrong we didn’t thing anything was wrong. until I heard my mom start yelling and screaming and running out of a room but I guess it doesn’t matter to her. I lost an aunt when my grandparents passed away and I will so lose her after my dad. LIke I said you don’t go after some body for something so pathetic like a bunch of kids and adults grieving. Worst to go off on the person who just buried her husband. Sorry but bye Felicia.

As the days went on family members started to head home. Than it things started to get real. Things that I didn’t think we had to do. Cancel credit cards, Cancel his airlines, Cancel Disney (We were going in October to celebrate my parents 40th wedding anniversary), medical bills, finishing up thank you cards and just plan old random stuff. It just didn’t make sense he was only 63 years old he should be here enjoying his grandchildren, enjoying going to work everyday at the post office, enjoying his Saturdays with us all, getting siked up for Disney seeing his baby girls eyes lite up when they saw Minnie mouse. But instead he will be there in sprit and watching down on us when he was suppose to be here. Its so hard. I just hate not having him here.

So after we buried him I went to the cementary and I tripped over something and my foot when in his grave. Scared the crap out of me I almost went in. The dirt was settling and it was soft. I said man I do miss you but I don’t want to be where you are at this time. lol I sat there for a little bit and just talk to him and the weirdest thing happen. Everytime I said I love you daddy the wind picked up.  Thought it was odd so I sat there for about 10 minutes just chatting and no wind so I said it again and the wind picked up.  I was like this is really weird. So I stayed a little bit longer and than I left.  So I went back like 2 days later and I was having a really bad day like to a point I was crying all day so I went back. See I told you all that he is the only thing that makes me feel better. So I went back and notice that they filled his grave site again and I sat there and it was a hot one here like to a point I was sweating just sitting there. I went off. I said how could you leave me, why did you have to give up, why couldn’t you just keep fighting, you promised me that you would fight and you gave up. You said that you would be around longer you gave up ever since you bought that car for mommy you said you weren’t ready to leave me. And here I am instead of going to the house and spending time with you I have to come here and talk to you like this. Your babies miss you. I miss you. Mommy misses you and here we are asking how are we going to get through this. There  is so many questions I want answers to and I can only get them from you and here I am left in the dark because you left. Im not mad that you left you were in pain, hurting and just plain ole tired but I maybe thinking of my self here but I just want you back I want u here with us. Its like my cable keeps going out. and I want to call you or wait for that text or call asking if we have cable. But of course I cant. So I just laugh and move on. Lost two shows but I will be able to watch it again. Well one of them. Well I have been sitting here for like 2 hours typing I think its time for bed lol LMYD

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