The warning signs were there early on. Lots of them but they were all subtle; Easy to ignore or pass off as ‘Joking’ or ‘Just words’. Hindsight’s a bitch right?
Looking back at those times I know now that it wasn’t okay. Like the many times he would joke about ‘Pushing me down the stairs’ when I was pregnant with our first born… He’d laugh, so would his mates; though often a little awkwardly. Just a joke right?
Or how he found fault with EVERY. SINGLE. one of my friends. ‘They treat you like shit’ or ‘They didn’t reply to your call – Ditch them’ or ‘There is something about her I just don’t like….’ – Unless they filled a need he had they were gone. Done. No use to him and he saw them as a hindrance to me. I seldom ever had friends over yet he had his friends over often – But then I liked almost all of his friend bar two but I would ALWAYS make one friend welcome and never make a scene; The other will never be welcome but that’s a whole other story. My husband made it clear his feelings about each of my friends would be worn on his sleeve should they be around for any length of time and so started the social isolation.
How about all the times he told me he hated my pets? How funny it’d be if he “accidentally” ran them over or ‘wouldn’t they make a great dinner?’ or that when I went away for the weekend I might come back to find my pet gone.
Then there were the (many many many) time he referred to himself as god. Actually. Not just in passing. In fact he has a mug that says ‘God is busy how may I help you’ which absolutely sums up his ‘Higher than thou’ attitude. He holds himself in a much higher regard than any other person I know. This feeds into his expectation to be treated better than anyone else without any effort or input. His strong sense of being superior runs through his every conversation. Of course I couldn’t see it then but I can now. Like today when we were discussing psychology (Something he has read extensively on and claims a better knowledge than those who have studied and practiced for years) and he passed the comment that in his counselling session he ‘Had the counsellor agree with him on XYZ so he knew what he was talking about’ so I should take his advice because he knew better than anyone how to ‘Fix’ me.
His obsession with having the ‘perfect everything’ should have been a give away. The perfect home with the perfect fence and hedge, the perfect kids, the perfect wife, the perfect job and no matter what was actually happening on the inside he needed everyone to see him as perfect – Without flaw or fault. Which reminds me – He was (and still is) never wrong. Ever.
His drive for success is insatiable and all consuming but I didn’t notice this until we were married. I thought it was a good attribute to have – I just didn’t realize how excessive it could be and that literally EVERYTHING would be put on hold for his so called business he was building and planning. When he was made redundant he spent 24/7 working on his business with no plan or date for completion, launch, go live or anything really. While he was working on his business I did everything. Literally everything. I worked full time to put food on the table and pay the bills. I would pick up & drop off our eldest (Youngest wasn’t born then) from care, bath, dress, and read to our eldest; I would make lunches, dinners, breakfast, I would do all of the house hold chores and come home to cook dinner while my husband spent his days and night working on his business. After 3 months (And nothing to show for the business) I called him on it and told him he had to get a job which resulted in never ending arguments. He eventually took a job after finding fault with every single job offer he had during that time he was off. He hated the job he took and he still blames me for that, not to mention the ‘C*nt’s he worked with’.
2 years later and that business has barely anything to show for it. It’s gone tits up and of course it’s not his fault…
His sense of entitlement was/ is staggering. Everything for nothing – And the crazy thing is he often gets things for nothing. He’s the sort of person who would call in a personal favor again, and again, and again but if you asked him for a personal favor he’d want to be paid or given something for it. He would go to a party with food just for the food. If it says bring a plate he wouldn’t – Everyone else would so why should he? The government should support him if he’s not working and it shouldn’t be a struggle; he should be living comfortably. Mind you struggling for my husband is going without things like fresh Salmon and top cuts of steak and bacon each week…
When we first started dating he was always comparing himself to others. How much they earned, how many assets they had, how pretty their partner was, what car they drove etc… He had to have the best of everything or at least look like he had the best of everything. When we started dating he told me ‘You’re not the body type I would go for’. I asked what that meant and he told me I was too fat even though I was tracking around 25% body fat and was a size 6-8. WTF? When we were engaged we completed a prenuptial (I had saved and invested and wanted to protect my assets). His asset list included everything – right down to the last cup he owned – Outlined in detail too. Every year he tells me what the new ‘Average’ salary is where we live and then measures himself against it. He’s on good money now (Sorry, not ‘Good’ money but the average for where we live) and he still moans. It’s more than most people I know get paid.
Sex in our relationship was a tool to get what he wanted. We started out with a bang (Pun intended) and fizzled out to nothing. If things didn’t go his way and I asked for sex I’d be told he didn’t want to have sex with me. It was all Yin and Yang, He didn’t get what he wanted so nor did I. This attitude would underpin our relationship. If anyone gave my husband an inch he’d take a mile you better not try and do the same.
Ironically he said to me just recently that he can overlook my body flaws since he’s no longer ‘In shape’.
Societies normal doesn’t apply to my husband- He’s above the law and he doesn’t understand how to function normally in society. For example he thinks nothing of being disrespectful and rude to people in customer service roles if they misunderstand him or can’t give him the answer he wants. Our second born is hard work. A baby that cries and cries and cries. My husband phoned a helpline and when the advice they gave us didn’t work he demanded I call them back and tell them to come here and sort baby out because their advice was shit. He couldn’t accept that; as a human; baby wouldn’t conform to the broad advice we had been given.
Anyways, enough rambling. Time to post about the daily grind that is being married to a Narcissistic.