First ever online share. I am not the kind of person who writes my feelings on any kind of social media. I find it hard to share my deeper feelings to my partner and family or close friends (as maybe most people do!). I think I struggle to know what I am feeling half the time myself due to a number of things. I think the not feeling some of the time is the problem… but I do think to the core of me I have always been quite a melancholy person.
I actually found the thought of blogging terrifying. And incredibly self indulgent. I write in a notebook and type in Microsoft every now and again but find it hard to keep track of chronology as I am very scatty. What a great way this is to track thoughts and feelings and hopefully some kind of progress. I thought I would self indulge too and make it public. Maybe it will help me get over being afraid of what I actually feel and ultimately not to care so much about things that are natural; and to try and learn and consider all things such as what a commenter may contribute. Hopefully the next journal will be tonight and may actually have some content in it! But here is a little bit of brief background:
I am 25 years old and I am in a duo band with my partner who has M.E. and is a self professed autistic. Although he suffers from exhaustion, painful joints, zapped energy to the point of not being able to hold himself up, IBS…the list is endless…– he gets more done on his laptop in bed then any well person I know! He gets ideas and just does them! If he can’t due to illness, he plans until he can do them or for me to do. He also manages our band in every way… buys new gear, thinks of new ways to make it easier to pack and lug gear around, new compact…better sounding thingamybobs… whatever it is he is on it… Anyway I digress! This was meant to be short. Shit to do!
So this is amazing but I an not the same kind of creature. I have quite dyslexic/dyspraxic tendencies and I lack focus/motivation/logic/common sense/order. I also seem to interpret things in an even more complicated and ultimately stupid way! Me and my partner could not be more different. We had been together a year before he became ill with M.E. and it has been two years now since he had gotten the illness. It has been incredibly up and down, more so for him as he is actually going through a very debilitating illness.
We had both come out of marriages gone wrong and were brought together very close to the ending of both our relationships. I had just come out of an Evangelical Christian family/church/life, married at 19, divorced at 23.
I am 25 now, agnostic, and have been private teaching for 5 years. I am also now currently working as a personal carer for a friend who was originally a music fan at our gig. I think he supports me most of the time!
My main goal — learn how to learn better!
…to do things differently when learning is not working!……..to be able to show my feelings without a build up of frustration…..to take criticism……….to go for it and not hold back……to get some excitement back……….I’m not sure if to be logical and spatially aware is dreaming so even though I think I have been born without those things, I must find ways to overcome them.