So where are we today?
We’ve been having counselling for a while now. Both as a couple and as individuals. It’s been immensely helpful for me to realize i’m not the ‘Crazy mental psycho bitch that needs to be locked up in a mental institute’ like my husband tells me often; but rather the victim of years of emotional and psychological abuse.
Mothers day this year I called it. I knew it’d been building to this point for about a year. i was immensely unhappy and voiced that often but I was always put on a list of priorities and I was no where near the top. After yet another argument over something I don’t remember (But I’ll bet you he does!) I said that we just really need to divorce. I’d said it time and time again – Meaning it – but been unable to deliver due to fear. This time I meant it, This time I wanted it over. This time was it.
The kids were in the car and it was incredibly tense. Most of our arguments happened around the kids despite me trying to call it off and it was getting so toxic. My husband was driving and in that instant I felt like there was no control. He could run us off the road if he wanted and I realized that I wouldn’t be surprised if that happened which meant I was now in a dangerous place if I felt my husband might harm us.
Two months on and many many arguments, negotiations and threats later and he’s still living in the house. He’s agreed to move but I keep seeing him come up with excuse after excuse to delay or not move.
I keep asking for a date and he keeps putting it off or passing the blame on to someone else. Remember it’s never his fault.
I’m slowly removing myself emotionally from everything and also preparing myself to be a solo mum. I have zero expectations and I know he is unreliable. This is helping to save my sanity!
My counselor has been amazing. I have help from another organisation who helps women in abusive relationships and family and friend supporting me. My hope is to separate as amiably as we can and move on from there. I also hope I can find myself again- The bubbly, happy, outgoing, energetic loving person I used to be.