I need to vent

Day five. I think

I need to vent I am having a really rough two days the only thing I want to do is just crawl into bed and just cry and sleep. But I cant I have two little girls that need me and I need them so they keep me going. So it all started yesterday we were cleaning up because we are having a suppose to be a small cook out my mom and his mom and dad and possible husbands aunt well now its all of them plus his aunts son and his aunt and uncle. So now here I am stressing I have anxiety and the one person I want here cant be and I just don’t understand why im being so hard on my self. Is it grief that im going through, is it that I am just starting the grieving I don’t know. So than last night my husband went out to mow the lawn and the lawn mower wont stay started so than we had to shell out 300.00 out of our Disney fund. So now we r back to square one.  than I got up this morning and now my ear hurts again. Havent had any issues for like 3 months so now im back to that. Im just over this. I want him back. Why cant I have him back. Why did he have to give up? Why did he have to leave me. I gave him everything that I could the last 6 years. He was my best friend. Now I am to put a smile on my face and go with it today when I just want to be left a lone. The sad thing is; is that I suggested this. What am I suppose to do when we go to Disney? Just be highly medicated the whole time. I don’t know. I just cant deal with the fact that he is gone. I just want him back. that’s all..  

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