Sabbath Bloody Sabbath

I’m forcing myself to stay sober today.  It hasn’t been easy.  I’m afraid of being alone, and the anxiety makes me want to drink.  

I really wish I wasn’t alone.

This morning, I was paid to provide music at church.  I could have done better.  I felt bad, even though it was probably fine.

Oh good Lord, I just wish we could be together again.  I miss her so much.  I don’t have these problems when we’re together.

I really want a drink to help turn my brain off, but I’m so tired of being tired.  I can’t keep doing this to myself.  I’ve noticed a persistent but dull pain in my left abdomen and can’t help but wonder if it’s related.  Hopefully, if I can stay dry for a few days, it’ll go away.  It’s a familiar discomfort – I had the same pain years ago during another period of heavy drinking.  I don’t remember when or how it went away, but I can’t help but wonder if the pain and the drinking are connected.

Well, I can boil this post (and most of my others, as well) to this:  I miss her and I wish she was here or that I was there.

I just.  I feel so despondent.  So pathetic.  She’s my support network, and without her I come to pieces.  

I need some good friends my age that I could hang out with.  The kind that just say “Come on over anytime, don’t even ask!”  That way, I’d have a place to go where I wouldn’t be alone.  I mean, I sort of have that in my friends, the Pastor and her husband, but they’re twice my age and… it’s just not the same.

I started writing a song this afternoon about what’s going on in my head.  Maybe I’ll put it up here later as long as you promise not to steal it!  Just… so much sad, so much lonely, so much empty.

And now, I can’t think of how to end this post.  I usually like to end on a strong point, but I can’t seem to think of one.  Sorry.  Maybe I’ll go eat.

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