Ellington

My asthma has gotten so bad, its never been this bad in years. 
I need to constantly have my inhaler, even when I wake up early in the morning. 🙁 

Today it was really bad too, because I needed to take my four doggos to the doggy park and I couldn’t keep up with them. I had to stop every 10 minutes to use my inhaler. They’re 4 Samoyeds and require a lot of physical activity. But they’re so well behaved and well trained that its not that bad. 

I’m going to the doctor tomorrow morning. I should be asleep by now, its midnight, but I’m not sleepy. 

My BFF Stacey is coming to stay with me for a few days tomorrow too! I really missed her so much, I can’t wait until she gets here. I can’t wait to vent to her, and cry with her, and just not have to save face in front of her, thats what BFF’s are for. She told me that Ashton called her yesterday, but she told him that she didn’t yet have my new number. I’m glad she didn’t give him my number. I told her that if he calls again, to just tell him that she hasn’t been in touch with me at all, or contacted me at all. My heart can’t take it right now, I can’t even handle having even a few words with him right now. For a long time, probably. Its too hard. But its not because I have anything negative to say about him. On the contrary, I have only great things to say about him, he is such an amazing person, such a great man. I hope he finds someone who is just as good of a person as he is, and that makes him so happy and loves him with all of their hearts. If in me he didn’t find happiness, maybe someone else will give it to him. He gave me so much love, and unfortunately we couldn’t get past some issues, it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. And I know how to lose, but I’ve never experienced so much pain in my life. Its insane how we can experience such powerful emotions for another human life. I’ve never in my life felt these feelings before, and it feels like I’m in pieces, and whenever the thought hits me that “its all over between us” I start to hyperventilate and start to have another asthma attack. I just really hope all of the best things in the world for him, I want him to be happy even if its not with me. I want him to be in love and on top of the world and have the best life ever, with someone who is going to make him happy and never hurt him. He deserves the best, he is an incredible person and I was fortunate enough to have had him in my life, even for a minute. 🙁 Its a lot harder to speak these words, writing it down is so nice, like it eases my heart. 

Anyway, its 1AM but if I don’t write this down then I’ll stay up all night and think of him. Even worse, sometimes I dream about him. But if I write this out, it helps get all of those emotions and thoughts of my head and then I can sleep comfortably. 

This week I was suppose to start my yoga class, I’m a newbie, but with this asthma   . . .   wish me luck. I can’t wait until Stacey gets here. Also I’ve started a new book, not new, but a novel I always meant to read, ‘the Brothers Karamazov’ its one of my father’s favorites. I think thats enough writing for tonight, I’m getting sleepy. 

Goodnight!

3 thoughts on “Ellington”

  1. I’m glad your bestie is coming and you can get everything off your chest. It’s always so much better to talk to someone about it and just get it all out so you can start to feel somewhat normal again. Keep your chin up<3
    ^totally didn't think of giving email so you can vent to me..pft. I'm so stupid.. whether you want to or not, I'm always available kburns0808@gmail

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