I’m really scared

That my future is going to be lonely. I’m Actually Really fucking terrified.  

It took me so long to make friends when I moved to secondary school but I had much more confidence, then. In primary school I made friends easily. I was happy and bright. 

What happened?

I’m terrified for my future. Everything I do, I’m always “average” at; below average, even. It didn’t use to be like this. 

I don’t make freinds easily and it takes takes a long time for me to be myself around people I meet, they often leave before that time, ditching me for new people. 

And you know what’s worse?

The thought that- even if I do make amazing friends, do gain confidence, do get the career I long for- that I’ll never be satisfied. 

That I’ll always find the flaws. That the little voice in my head is never going to leave. That’s so much worse.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m scared for my future. It’s going to be lonely and boring, I can feel it. Not meeting people’s expectations? Failing?

That is unbearable. 

I miss the comfort of my old life before I moved to secondary school, years ago. Decently good at things, smarter than many others. Happy with a best friend I loved more than the world. I’m just terrified I’ll never be that… comfortable and happy in my life, even again. 

I guess I shouldn’t’ve taken it for granted. 

One thought on “I’m really scared”

  1. I wish I could say that that nagging voice in the back of you’re head will eventually go away. I wish I could because I have it too. Especially because that nagging sometimes turns into a scream so loud you can’t hear anything else, but it doesn’t go away. What changes is our ability to deal with that voice. It’s not easy, but it can be done. As far as friends go, it isn’t your fault if they leave, unless you’re being a dick. However, I highly doubt you’re a bad person. Keep in mind that not all personalities are compatible. I struggle with relationships too. So many of the people I loved and cared about have disappeared from my life without so much as a goodbye. It makes it incredibly difficult for me to believe another person when they say they care for me. As for being satisfied, maybe we shouldn’t try to be satisfied. Maybe we should try to be happy because the moment we are satisfied is the moment we stop. Be happy with the friends we have, but also seek out new ones. Do the same with our successes, and, heck, do it with our failures too. They can be incredibly embarrassing. Sometimes I’ll stop in the middle of the grocery store and cringe because I just remembered something really embarrassing, but those failures also make for some hilarious stories in a couple years. (I for example, once lost control of a kitten at an adoption event at the mall and ended up chasing him around the mall for fifteen minutes. Everyone else found it highly amusing)

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