The End of the Beginning


the room seems to be moving at the same speed of that of a vinyl. The room expands and contracts with every 360 turn. I clutch to the ends of my bed sheets scared to fall out of my bed from the rapid spinning.

It’s alright,” I tell myself, “everything is going to be OK.”

My vision goes pitch black for the second time again, falling into another deep slumber. I don’t feel tired, I don’t feel fatigue, I feel empty. The same emptiness you feel when you are starving, but this empty hunger did not reside in my stomach, it came from the depths of myself. It’s like not being able to shake the nasty bug out of my brain as it switches my nerves on and off like a strobe light on rapid fire. I try again and again to escape this cage, but it is difficult when that cage is me. How do you escape yourself?

I was 11 years old when I was met with my diagnoses.

Ma’am, she does not need anger management. She has depression.

I could still hear the thick Indian accent unravel my deepest self better than I ever could at that time. My mother and I could not fathom the truth behind my anger. My mother thought I was just lashing out and starting my rebellious stage. I thought so too.

The world started making sense. The sky was still blue, the grass still stained my white nikes the way they always did, so, what was life for me going to be like now that I know I was diagnosed with depression? The gray fog wasn’t physically there, but rather, it enloped my head making it hard to search for a single positive thought in this big head of mine.

Now, as a person livng amongst the adult world, I still have the hazy fog appear at the worst and best of times. Except this time, I am equipped with a car with bright fog lights. I can see through the fog clearer. Sometimes I even race the fog to the end of my street. So far, I always win.



4 thoughts on “The End of the Beginning”

  1. Even i have problem with my anger and i think i m in depression. And i don’t have anyone to talk about it

  2. That’s alright. I can’t tell you if you are depressed or not because I’m no doctor, but I did start out with always being mad at everyone. You are more than welcome to talk to me if you’d like!

  3. What do you do to cope? I struggle with anxiety (not the same, I know), but I want the same feeling as you do with your bright fog lights.

  4. Hey inside.reaching.out, I also have anxiety and to be honest, I don’t have away of coping with it. I let it run its course most of the time. I still have to take 5hr naps to feel better or eat till I’m not able to move when depression really hits. I think what really gets me through my little episodes is taking some time for myself. I have a lot of issues with stress and a lot of it comes from being over worked from school, work and family. I drive with loud music, I’ll go dine-in at a restaurant with myself, or just do some minor retail therapy, even if it’s just buying toiletries, but everything I do, I’ll do it alone.

    It seems like a bad idea bc the person I want to escape is myself, but growing up I realized I never actually made time for myself to be by myself. (If that makes any sense). I used to have the worse anxiety about being alone in public but I took the initiative to get out of my comfort zone and expanded it little by little.

    Depression and anxiety can be treated with prescriptions by doctors, yes, but I took the time to invite these mental illnesses and as soon as I felt them creeping up, I made sure to pick myself up before I tore myself down.

    Hope this helps!

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