I made it through yesterday. I wasn’t sure I would, but I did. I even woke up feeling much more rested today than I have in weeks. Funny thing about going to bed sober.
I had very realistic dreams that I can’t remember but I remember waking from each individually thinking I was still a part of them.
Today’s monster is anxiety. I woke up this morning with it straight off of the bat. I had realized a mistake I made on my timesheets for work and was overpaid by a few hours. Naturally, I feared the worst immediately. “I’ll be fired for submitting false information.” “I’ll have to go back to the chicken factory.” “I could be prosecuted.” Of course, when I got to work and reviewed my timesheets, the problem was much smaller than I thought and I told my director the problem immediately and he told me essentially not to worry about it.
But, of course, anxious brain needs something to worry about, so it turned to the job interview I had a week ago. I should have heard by now, but I still haven’t. I can only start to assume I didn’t get it. And I can only assume (in my anxious brain) that I didn’t get the job because the interviewers could smell the previous night’s beer on my breath even though I showered, brushed my teeth, and put on deodorant and cologne before the interview.
So I’ve got this uncomfortable flip-flop of anxiety between the two. Oh, and the check engine light in my car came on yesterday. That makes an appearance sometimes, as well.
It’s going to be hard to stay sober tonight. Even worse than yesterday. But I want it. I want to be in good shape for my wedding on Saturday. I refuse to be the exhausted husk of myself on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I want to be there and to feel and remember each moment (at least until the reception. ;))
I looked up some tips to try and help me control what I’m feeling today. I’m trying to be more perceptive of my surroundings at the moment. Five things you can see, four that you can hear, that kind of thing. It’s supposed to help one stay focused on the moment, at least for a brief period. It’s kind of working; at least it’s a start.