At least I am consistent with one thing.

 

Spiritually dry but I’m not dry in my pants, I swear when I am with you my spiritually doesn’t stand a chance. Why do I let you penetrate me over and over when I know what God thinks of it, when I know it’s not okay. Why do I let myself fall spiritually away when I know close to God is where I need to stay? People say this can’t be your fault, that I am in control but each time I am back with you my spirit gets so cold. Where there was warmth now there is a chill, where there were morals now there is a carelessness that fills. It fills my heart and soul with excuses of just living. But what Is living a life full of all this sinning? I am sure there are people out there doing worse but I am in charge of my sin and let me tell you this distant from God thing hurts. I’ve done it to myself and so there is not really anyone else to blame but how can I recover when I constantly ridicule myself with this disdain? Once spiritually inspired now spiritually discontent, they say get in the word, pray, and the dryness will come to an end. Do they understand how hard it can be to “get back on the saddle?” so to speak. How can they not see that the light at the end of most tunnels can look so bleak and dull? It is a failure to see that being this far from God I have lost some of my control. I realize I have gone into some ADD tangent and this is so scattered but at least it matches my thoughts and my dear, in this moment that is all that matters.

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