for me

i arrived home with a cold. it’s been fun.

i’m sort of stuck on keeping some of my worries private. does he need to know? will he think i’m pandering? is it some weird way of communicating my thoughts on our relationship? don’t know. doesn’t matter i guess. feel too coldy to care.

i hate this new paranoia i feel. i hate it. i hate feeling it. i hate wondering if he’s talking to her when hes quiet for 5 minutes. i hate wondering how much regret he feels for choosing me when he texts formally.

i hate that i no longer feel like i’m standing on solid ground. i hate that i no longer feel good enough. i hate that food doesn’t taste nearly as good now that i’m eating it alone.

i hate feeling like an emotional burden to him. i miss the cheerful silly messages that let me feel so secure and safe. i feel like a fat worthless piece of shit again and i hate that too.

and it’s not that i hinge my entire well-being on this one person, i just don’t let myself be vulnerable as a rule because people suck and life’s a bitch. and when i become vulnerable to someone, i’m pretty much held at gunpoint by my insecurities if something goes wrong.

i don’t even know if he still wants to live with me.

why does he act like he only tolerates me out of obligation as soon as i step out the door

why isn’t he ever happy to talk to me anymore

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