30. My Own Destruction

Procrastination, a game I play very well. Not for lack of motivation, simply because a part of me deep down, just doesn’t care to live anymore. Please don’t confuse that with me being suicidal, because I’m far from that point.

 

Allow me to explain…

   Twenty-Seven is not old in the least, I know this. However, being at the stand point I am, I’m not as far as I’d like. I’m a high school drop out at the age of 17. I didn’t get my G.E.D until last year, that’s almost 10 years! I could have been going to college, earning the multiple degrees I would like, and need for my ultimate goal in life. Instead god only knows every account of what has happened in the past 10 years, because there’s at least 6 years of it I barely remember due to alcohol and drugs. Needless to mention, most of my time, effort, and money went into this transition. Not that I regret it by any means, I am me now. Although, I wish I had stayed in school. I highly doubt I’d be “behind” of my “life” schedule if I had.

  I plan to continue to better my self, and my life. Achieve all the goals I have set forth to. It’s simple, just some days I’m mad at my self for the path that I have taken in my younger years. Drugs, women, music, clubs, and this transition, have all contributed into the man that I am today. I’m better then any man I thought I would become. I am NOT my father, becoming him was/is my biggest fear. Deep down I know I am not him, and I forget this at times because I have been in an out of jail, I have sold drugs, and done a lot of horrible things to people I love. The difference, I strive to be different, better, accept my self for my wrongs, learn from them, he…still blames everyone else for the wrong doing he has done. twenty-seven years later, and I finally know it isn’t my fault he left, He just wasn’t man enough to raise me into a decent man. I just hope he does better for the young children he has now.

  I never want to be my mother. An alcoholic who cant remember a factual story about her life, let alone what she did five minutes ago. Someone who hasn’t had a job in years because she has lived off, manipulated, and con her way through two husbands and 4 children. I don’t want to be so drunk I lose control and stab my partner in the arm, and barely feel bad about it. I don’t want to slowly kill my self, acknowledge the fact I’m doing this, but not care the family its ripping apart.

                                                 ha. Family….I use that term loosely.

                           It’s been years since we have all been under the same roof at the same time.

Explanation of why I am emotionally with drawn.

 

 

All of this is why I procrastinate. I’m constantly picking my self apart, analyzing my actions and thoughts. Trying to make sure my decisions don’t drag me along the path either one of my parents have taken. Everything I do is never good enough for my self, I’m never intelligent enough to go back to school, I’m not skilled enough to apply for that better position, I’m emotionless and unable to love, or be loved. So why try…..but the inner battle of wanting to be better, and do better always pushes me, at the very last moment, but is pushes me. My inner battle is my everyday procrastination, from waking up, to getting dressed, walking and playing with my dogs, to cleaning, going to school or work. Breaking my self down, just to temporarily build my self up, just to break myself down again. I’m my own destruction.

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