july nineteenth

I’m living a life that is very hectic and I can see more chaos in the distance. I don’t think I have ever been on the brink of such an immense amount of change but I’m trying to be excited! There are so many opportunities to learn and grow but I am absolutely overwhelmed and can’t show it. I am the person that everyone else brings their entirety to and it leaves me staying back and feeling alone. I need to live for myself but I still catch myself slipping into bad habits and discouraging myself. I need to not care about what other people think, but I really wish people would stop saying that to me. It feels like such stupid advice I am not a light switch. 

I’ve been the smart girl my whole life, the one who does well in school and grew up too early which brings an ‘aura of maturity’ into my personality. But I’m worried that one day someone bright will look at me and say ‘oh you were never that smart in the first place’ and my whole world will crumble around me. I know I have other things to offer the world but my intelligence is the only one people seem to care about and comment on. I feel like everyone’s eyes are on me, waiting like vultures to attack at the slightest crack in my facade. It sucks damnit. I also know I pretty much planted that whole idea of failure into my mind so why the hell can’t I separate emotion from an unlikely situation crafted by my anxiety? 

I’m expected to transition into college and adulthood smoother than my peers. People think I have it together and am a natural at making responsible decisions and being ahead of the game. Truth is I know absolutely nothing. I think the reason I am so scared now is that it is going to be hard to bullshit my way through this. This is life now, I can’t rely on what people say to or about me to get me through college and into life. I have to build myself now and I’ve spent so much time trying to fit into other people’s molds for me. But there isn’t a cookie cutter shape for this stage of my life. I have always said I’m excited to create myself, but I’ve spent too much time saying that and not putting any effort or plan into anything so now I’m starting over and I have no idea who I am or what I enjoy or what I stand for. I’ve never been the main character in the events of my life but I can’t avoid that now. 

But anyway I got a new hat and I have been wearing it a lot. I used to never wear hats because I was worried about how I look but now I like hats. Trying to practice being open to change.

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