Mom

I’ve so longed for a great mother/daughter relationship. It seems impossible. Biological Mom (BM) isn’t in my life at all and Adopted Mom (Mom), well… who knows. We have clashing personalities but I have the utmost respect for everything she did for us, when she could have done like everyone else and said “not my problem”. However, she raised us not knowing she had a severe hormone disorder so life growing up with her was rough. We’ve worked hard the past 10 years or so to build what I hoped was that great relationship but every time I start thinking we’re getting there, she does/says something to remind me that I’ll never be her “real” daughter. She doesn’t have any Biological kids, just me, my sister and brother.I don’t think she does it on purpose to hurt me but it does.

The past 3 years have seen a lot of loss in our family, specifically Mom’s family. Her Mom, sister and brother all passed away (as well as some close friends). I can understand her first calls being to that side of the family since we’re not really close with them. We’ve also seen the passing of my nephew shortly after his premature emergency birth. She and I were together when we received that awful phone call. ='( Yesterday her boyfriend was found floating in the community pond. It was an accident – he fell, hit his head and drowned. I feel absolutely horrible for her! And she feels horrible… the last conversation they had was an argument. Her first call was to her niece, again. Yes, I’m jealous of their relationship. They act like mother/daughter and I want what they have.

I’ll probably never tell her though. I wouldn’t know where to begin and what to say. She stares at me with critical eyes and it makes me forget everything I wanted to say. Then she thinks I’m stupid because all I can do is sit there and stare at her. She also tells me I’m wrong and that I misunderstand too much. I’m frustrated, among other things.

I can’t begin to imagine how she’s feeling right now. I want to go to her and be supportive (I live in another state) and I feel childish and selfish for dwelling on “she didn’t call me first”. It’s not just that though. There are other things that have compiled the situation to be what it is.

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