Back at Butlins
The lonliness is weird.
I have thousands of people around me but still feel alone.
The loneliness is what bothers me. it’s the wondering of How I can have people I call friends but don’t trust them with my fears and emotions.
The job isn’t the problem I think it’s me that’s the problem. I think I need to start letting people in otherwise I’ll be the girl with all the friends but with tears that are always behind the eyes.
Everyone keeps asking to be let in but for some reason I just can’t they can use anything I say against me and I’m not having people having something over me.
I’m determined to make this time different make myself the person that everyone can talk to with their problems but don’t need to know mine.
I’m starting a fresh I hope.
But trust is a very strong word that I will never say to someone as my feelings are strong on every subject I don’t want to be singled out because of what my head says. people would treat me different, people will look at me different and I won’t be able to deal with that.
Maybe this time I’ll actually let someone in. Someone to see my mind, I’ll give them the key to my worst nightmares, to my fears. But if I do they will be a special kind of person, someone who I can trust, someone who I know won’t hold any of my fears or feelings against me. someone I want to call my own. If this person comes along they must be very special.
People don’t understand how scary it is to actually let someone in the mind. Especially mine. It can go to far away places that no one could dream of.
We will just have to wait and see