When you are sick some days are different from others just like when you are healthy. Some can be quite joyful despite chemo and the diagnosis in mind and some can be exhausting and painfully long and uncomfortable (like the last week has been). What can we do? It can’t be helped. I guess we (me) should just try to get through them to the best of our ability? Believing it will end? Because nothing goes on forever, does it? It just takes so long and at the same time it has only just started and I can’t believe this is my life now. I recognise nothing, not myself, not what’s left of my life.
Today is exactly 100 days since I learned I had cancer. It didn’t even register back then, I didn’t understand. I sometimes think I still don’t. Well, at the weakest moments like this I do, it’s hard to ignore, I am a weakling.
I wonder if it will really end and how it will end and if i will get through. When I feel good I don’t doubt it, when I feel very very sick I don’t know. It is scary. It is all so scary. I cry every time I see something remotely sad or happy, I guess. I can’t cry because I have cancer, you see, but I cry for other people, which is just as good in the end as it gets the water and the tension out. A bit. I think I’m loosing it now. It is oh so scary not to have control over your own life, because if you don’t have that what do you have?