#2-Messed up?

    My friend is right, I need to move past the past and try to look towards the future. It’s not that I can’t do that, I do that a lot.I don’t even think about my abusive past most of the time, just that the person who did all that still exists in my life.Six years have gone by and I have no proof even if I do report it.So whatever. Eventually I will need to leave my home and family because I don’t think I want to see his face constantly.He’s a changed guy but everything he’s done is just imprinted in my mind over and over and I get nightmares or it’s hard to sleep.

Everyone tells me I need to get over the abuse, and yeah, I am.Sometimes.But it’s hard when you can’t do anything to change it. No therapy, no moving away from the dude, plus unsupportive people in your life who either don’t know about it or don’t believe you. It’s sad that I have to worry about losing everything. I’m losing my family and my home and everything if I leave and never come back. I don’t want to see him be happy either. Inside I need more time to heal and I can’t do that while I’m still in this home. Yet I love my family and my home. It’s my everything but it’s like it was never mine to begin with. I don’t cry because I feel sorry for myself. I cry because I can’t have any of these things and I want to keep them all for myself, badly, maybe slightly selfishly.I want to stay here in this home and live with everyone I like, but he’s here.So I can’t move on for anything. Plus no therapy.I was denied therapy, apparently.

I just want to feel better. I want to be normal. I want to deal with normal anxiety or depression because at least someone can relate easier in both ways.I’m tired of being a burden, someone who is hard to understand, and someone who is hard to handle. A part of me wishes I could be picked up by someone who can fix all of this, help me, but God knows that won’t happen.It can’t happen. I just want to have ever day issues and stresses.Not that anyone’s depression or anxiety or stress is any easier to deal with, but it’s more wide known.There are a lot of people like that all over.

If anyone reads this, tell me this if you can; why can’t I move past the past?Am I just feeling sorry for myself?Why can’t I get over an abusive past?Is it just my fault that I’m not getting better?Maybe I need to do better?

2 thoughts on “#2-Messed up?”

  1. You understand it yourself. You can’t move past this if you still live in this. And without therapy it’s close to impossible. I’m just a stranger here, I don’t know you or your situation, but it seems to me like you should really move the hell out of there. If you don’t have enough resources yet, start planning? Save money? Find support online? Do what you can.

  2. We all recover from abuse differently. I left my ex-husband a year ago and today I just posted about being angry that he was abusive. TODAY. I am angry over something that happened a year ago and I am beating myself up about it when I shouldn’t be.

    It’s not your fault that you’re having a hard time getting over it. Don’t see it as a timeline – “it’s been x long, so I should feel this much better.” It doesn’t work like that. I have my really, really good days, and then I still have my bad ones. Therapy helped me tremendously. There are tons of forums for abuse that you can read and post. Take a breath. You’re going to be okay.

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