Without the support of my family, I’m crippled. As I’ve said, and I’ll say it again since this is my diary and this is happening at this time, I get nightmares. I have irrational fears, and my obsessions are getting worse. I can’t decide why I’m so damn afraid to ask my mother for anything. I think it’s because I’m more afraid of her bitter insults regarding my laziness and person than I am of her saying no.

Two nights ago, I cried in my sleep (I think). Among several dreams that night, there was one where my dad told me my grandmother (his mother) was no longer with us. My first time looking at him with no embarrassment, no fear of judgement and sincere compassion was in that very dream. After I heard the news, I hugged him.

That’s how bad things are! The one time I get the courage to hug my own father is in my dreams, and I’d rather stay discontented than have to talk to my mother.

I’ll write again before I go to bed. I feel the need to. That entry will be much longer.


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