Frustration

I hate it every time that people show me attitude; always having to say something about how life isn’t going to wait for me, or they tell me that I don’t want to know better. Yesterday I was talking with some coworkers about the unfairness of pay within the work we do, then one of them said to me that I have the opportunity to do whatever I want, as opposed to them because they lack the citizenship, yet they still do more of what they want than I. I suppose it is just pride within me, along with anxiety and no ambitions– I promise– of ANY kind. Either way I know I’m responsible for my actions/decisions. My parents are relatively scary: Father was raised violently, he isn’t so as much as his father since the man became baptist, although he’s rather attached to providing for the house and is never above using a belt for things out of place. Mother isn’t emotionally available; she’s honest but not necessarily interested in being correct; she’s like a dumb boyfriend who never absorbs emotional hints. Mother was told to leave the house when she was a little girl by her idiot mother who saw only worth in the man she bedded.   I almost wish I had been one of them. instead of having led a emotional, observant childhood: always being afraid and somehow still socially inept. I almost wish I had a drunk father who wasted the riches of his family on drunkenness or a mother who made me an into orphan. I might have hardened and lived in my own ignorance, lying to myself and carrying on in a dead faith from the homeland, and perhaps catching an early, complete death. I might have had much more worth then. I might have become a drag queen or a composer. The only reason I survived from age 13, is because I am afraid of hell more than anything in my sad life. Gay children and southern baptist parents don’t mix well, if at all. Practical, money-bringing fathers and artist children don’t mix well either, especially emotionally. Why did God feel the need to make emotional people? NO ONE likes us has been my knowledge. Ugh, especially men, what the fuck? I should get out of the way and let others do what they may, for good or ill; it’s not like the people in charge command merit anyway, most just have an attitude of some nature relevant to their occupation. ATTITUDE. Despicable.    Defecting from my parents would be an incredibly painful action. Guilt trips galore. No. My fault, my fault, my fault.

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