Just a pawn in your addiction

To start I’ve never done any kind of public journal or blogging, but I feel like this may be a healthy outlet for me. With that being said today marks a very painful memory for me. I’ve never spoke to anyone about this since it happened 10 years ago and I feel this may be my chance to finally get it out. When I was 17 years old my pathetic excuse for a mother attempted to basically whore me out for drugs. I was laying in bed after working a double shift at my shitty dead end job that I had to get so that I could make sure my brother and sister had a somewhat decent life since every penny my mother got her hands on went to some kind of drug or something she “needed”. I was almost asleep when she burst in my room begging me to take her to a “friends” house because he apparently found her ring she “lost”. After 30 minutes of arguing that it wasn’t an emergency to get it and asking why it couldn’t wait until the morning so I could get some sleep, I decided to just take her and get it over with. I had to take her since her DL was suspended, surprise. As she’s giving me directions I could smell the alcohol on her breath and tell she was also high. After what felt like a drive across the state we pulled into a long dark driveway to end at some ran down house. I told her I’d wait in the truck for her since we’re just here to get her ring and of course she insisted I come inside with her since she had told her “friend” all about me and wanted to meet me. Reluctantly I said fine, 5 minutes and we are leaving. As I walk in behind her I see 2 guys drinking, beer and liquor bottles lining the counter along with a mirror, razor blade, some rolled up bills and if I had to guess about an Ounce of Cocaine. Immediately I went to turn around and walk out but she grabbed my arm and swore to me that wasn’t why we were here. For some dam reason I believed that bullshit lie that I’ve been fed a hundred times before. Maybe that’s my fault, knowing who and what she is, that I still felt just maybe this time she won’t hurt me. They invited us to play a game of pool, I immediately said I needed to get home since I had just worked 17 hours straight. After all 3 of them begging and pleading for ” just one game” I knew there was no winning this battle and even though I couldn’t stand her at times, I couldn’t bring myself to leave her there without any transportation. So the game started, it quickly became obvious that my mother brought me as a “second”. After the game was finished I was more than ready to leave but of course my mother wasn’t. Her “friend” offered to let me take his room and I could rest in his bed, at first I was very hesitant but by this point I had been awake for almost 48 hours and was exhausted. The guy that was also the “second” walked me to the room, which I politely thanked him for and shut the door. I attempted to fall asleep but as tired as I was and being in a foreign environment I ended up just laying there in the dark. About 30 minutes later I here the door open as I laid there with my eyes closed to appear I was asleep hoping to deter whoever was coming in, which clearly didn’t work. I felt him slide in the bed next to me while I still try to act as if I’m sleeping. I feel him move close to me pressing his body against mine, as he then takes his hand and runs it down my side and between my legs. I jump up and begin to panic and asked him what in the actual fuck he thinks he’s doing. When I said this he had such a confused and puzzled look on his face, so I ask him why he’s looking like that. What he said to me next completely shattered every bit of self love that I had left, which at that point wasn’t very much from all the fucked up shit she had already pulled on me over the years of my life. “That’s why you’re here, right? The both of you came over to party and have some fun, that’s what your friend said”. I was speechless, my “Friend”, not my mother, but my friend. I immediately fell to the floor and began to cry uncontrollably, I felt so used, hurt, and betrayed that my own mother, the person that gave me life and was suppose to protect me was using me as a pawn in her addiction. The guy to my surprise actually tried to console me and calm me down, but as my brief outburst of sadness faded the anger immediately kicked in. After telling him my age and that she wasn’t my “friend” but actually my mother, I stormed out of the room to find my mother snorting a line off the mirror as the guy has her bent over the pool table fucking her. At first glance she went to ask me if I needed some of the “party favor” until I got closer to her and she could see that look in my eyes, the look she knew all too well, the look of betrayal, hurt and anger. She immediately tried to talk to me and “explain” which I wanted nothing to do with. As she follows me to the door still trying to talk I grabbed my keys, turned around and said “Thanks MOM”. I got in my truck and cried the entire drive home. I ended up crying myself to sleep in my truck of the driveway of my house. The sunlight shining thru woke me up, disoriented and confused I immediately begin the replay of the night, but I couldn’t show it since I had to get inside and get my siblings ready for school. I didn’t see her for 5 days after that happened. My siblings didn’t question this since they were accustomed to mommy taking mini “vacations”. When she did finally come back, it was anger towards me for not calling her to find her, as usual. I went to lash out about that night, but I quickly realized that she already had some fucked up version in her mind of what happened and no matter what I said she wouldn’t take responsibility. Instead I went about my day trying to not break down at any moment from the feeling being a pawn to her, that my life and safety clearly had no room in her active addiction. I was damaged, self image shattered to pieces, feeling like I was nothing more than a warm body to her. Today marks 10 years but the pain, betrayal, and heart ache still feel as fresh as they did that night. Today, I will tell myself I am worthy of love, I am no longer a pawn piece to your game.

3 thoughts on “Just a pawn in your addiction”

  1. Im sorry that you went through something so horrible. and i wish you the healing and love you deserve. yes it feels great to let go of shit like this. and for your mother to do that to you is just disgusting i hope you have started a healing journey and that you let go of the hurt.

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