I only start to write when I want to cry. That means I’m most honest with myself about my feelings, I guess. And right now I cannot comprehend the fact than I’ve only had 2 cycles of chemo and there are at least 4 (if I’m lucky, 6 if not) to go. It is not exactly unbearable, but it is getting worse every day.
Today I started feeling this weird tingling in my hands and feet, my legs and arms feel numb.. That’s new and scary. On top of my mysterious fever that keeps me in the hospital pumped with antibiotics. And I’ve been oh so weak, I can’t even take a normal walk, I don’t have enough energy for that. And these heat waves (well, they are not as bad as they used to be as I’m taking some medication but still noticeable) make me really uncomfortable, even my scalp (did I mention I’m bald now?) is all sweaty.
I can go on actually, but my point is I’m afraid to find out where my breaking point is. I’m not exactly afraid I’m going to hit it now but I can feel it there, it is there. How long till I get there? Will I get there? Will I be able to avoid it somehow? How? What should I do? I try to keep busy, stay positive, not concentrate on the bad staff, meditate when I can (not an easy thing to do in the hospital), talk to my therapist (which only happens once a month now since I’m rarely at home), I try to make friends with people in the same situation as me (and I’ve made huge progress, I’m very proud actually), I even requested a mentor from a special site where they find you a person who had the same type of cancer and the same kind of treatment.
And I’m asking myself if I’m doing enough. I so scared. I have this Instagram page where I write about all the news I have so as not to repeat the same things to everybody and also to find friends and some support (that is hard to come by, by the way) and I seem so positive there and I don’t know if it is in fact the truth. Am I lying and pretending to be someone I’m not? I feel closer to myself when I write here (such a cosy little site). Which one of these Kate is me? Both? Neither? I don’t know.
P.S. This might sound weird but if anybody at all has read that, would you please tell me if you could tell that English is not my first language? And why if so? I’m just curious..