I knew it would happen sooner or later when I blow up on someone, usually family. I’ve been doing good being ‘good’ for everyone. I got into a fight this afternoon with one of my family members over everything.Not like I was asking much, just maybe a slight acknowledgment. I love living here because I know everything here and I also can’t be on my own if I can’t support myself 100 percent and take care of myself. Sometimes it feels like I’m all alone in this though. No one believes me.That’s not all I feel. I feel stupid. I feel like an idiot. I turn into a mess of crying and such.I’m not even angry at anyone but my own self.I feel really alone too. I have friends, but I don’t trust them enough to feel like they can be there for me when I need them and that their not just using me for whatever reason.
I hate how I’ve messed up my life by telling anyone. I always screw up and I’m tired of it just being me 100 percent of the time. I have no one to stand by me, and I know I can’t do this all myself. I’ve caused so much issues for my family and friends and I’m ashamed of myself.I swear that it feels like I will go crazy at times. I don’t trust anyone and I feel like I’m at a complete dead end, there is no way out at all.I don’t even have it bad either. I really don’t. I’m 100 percent happy in this life and with how it is, or I should be.
I know who I am, ever since the abuse. I always know who I am, and who I am is a horrible person. I can’t move on to anything and it feels like I’m stuck.Maybe I just have some neurological disorder that causes this all. Either way, I’m certainly helpless. Or so I feel like I am. I’m scared to be on my own too. I’m scared that I’ll be all alone.
While I don’t have to stay here when I am older, I don’t care how I feel or not, I have everything right now in my hands. I plan to attend college so I can work as soon as possible and have something stable when I’m on my own. It’s my own fault for messing up my life as it is.