You win again

I was hoping to not do this tonight. Drinking to dull the pain, but it only made it worse. You’ve loved me unconditionally, and yet I’ve managed to push you Away because I’m too ashamed to tell you why I’ve been in a “bad mood” today. Like I always do, I resort to shutting myself down, putting up a wall that not even the most determined could knock Down. I lash out at you, manage to take the blame off myself. You try to compromise with what you think the problem is I told you, but in realist it has nothing to do with you. How do you tell the one person who has been and continues to be by your side no matter what, that you have lied to him every year on this date about why you’re in “bad mood”. The sick part is? I know him well enough to say that I know he wouldn’t judge me for it, if anything he’d be understanding and do anything in his power to console me. Every girls dream come true right? So then why can I not give him what he needs from me? Why can I not tell him why this day literally changes my entire persona? How I walk around in a haze as I relive the words, the smell of cheap beer and cigarettes, music coming thru some shitty old speakers, being called her “friend”. For some reason I’d rather hide the truth and convince the one person in the world who loves me more than life itself to leave me alone and “I’ll be fine”. Which translates to buying a bottle and drinking to try to numb the pain. About 2 am you come out to tell me you love me and you’re sorry for upsetting me, when in reality you did nothing wrong. I accept as if I was expecting it and reply I love you too with such a sadness in my voice. You know why I got drunk tonight but you don’t want to call me out since you know deep down I’m fighting my own demons. You gently ask me when I’ll be to bed?, and I shrug and say “Soon, I guess”. Now almost 3 hours later here I sit, with an almost empty bottle, feeling even worse than before, hating myself for pushing you to the side when all you want is to be there for me, something I’ve always wanted but now I don’t know how to engage with. Instead I’ll drink until I think the pain is gone, just as I got the point I’ll stop. I’ll stumble to our bedroom where you lay stretched across our bed, holding my pillows close to your chest, and I’ll see this causing me to stop dead in my tracks. I see you laying there so peacefully, or Atleast appearing so, clinging to my pillow since I clearly fell short on my end of the “coming to bed scenario”. I look at you and begin to cry, I can’t give you one simple bit of my memory to eliminate the shit I caused tonight. I’ll try to slip into bed as gentle as possible without waking you, but it’s like you can sense me and you immediately wraps your arms around me, tucking your body as close to mine as you can possibly get, as if nothing even happened. If I had one wish, I’d be as strong as you are. Maybe tomorrow will be my day, but not today. It’s getting time for the walk of shame down the hall tripping over your own feet and holding the walls as I stumble in. I want this to be the last time. She cannot keep this hold on me any longer.

2 thoughts on “You win again”

  1. I have nothing to say , because i am like him.

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