Previously hand-written on 7/16/17
It’s probably safe to say the St. John’s Wort works better than the Sam-e. I really had my hopes up for it too. It’s probably also true that the Vyvanse for the ADHD is making my anxiety worse but gaining weight from binge eating was fucking me up mentally too. Double edged sword.
I’m overtired. Had to take Xanax. Anxiety is too much. I relapsed and cut. It didn’t give me the same relief it has in the past, just makes me think I need to cut deeper for more pain. I deserve it.
I need to be punished and for everyone to know I’m suffering so they know all the bad I’ve done I recognize.
Sometimes the only thing that eases my mind is knowing I can kill myself. I worry about money and losing my job. If I do I can kill myself to end the worry and shame.
I’ve pushed away and successfully lost friends and a business. I’m unsuccessful and moving backwards. I quit things because they are too hard and I’m not capable. Practice doesn’t make perfect for me, I don’t improve beyond mediocre at anything. It’s fact.
I’m afraid always. I’m 100% alone. If I lost my apartment I’d have to die.
I’m fat so nobody gives me a second look. I’m too embarrassed to have sex with anyone anyway.
I feel shame and inadequacy 100% of the time. It’s due to my excessive mediocrity. I excel at nothing. I think it’s hard when you want things in your life but you can’t have them because your brain is broken, make it too stupid to progress.
I can’t love myself. I make more mistakes than most people and then feel regret and shame, but it’s deserved. My brain won’t let me do the right thing. I can’t learn from my mistakes.
I slowly lose everyone close to me. Shame can’t allow me to go back. You’re better off and I am too needy to provide a two-way friendship.
Everything I know is that I need to love me and get better but everything I want is for someone to love me back together and make me feel safe. I can’t provide that to myself. No wonder I’m nobody’s “go to” person. If I can’t make me feel better I’m sure I don’t help anyone else. I’m too selfish. I’m too fat for anyone to want to be around. I have no confidence. I am not smart. I have no hobbies. I have no talents. I drain those around me because of my insecurities, my anxious thoughts, and my paranoia. I can’t calm myself. I can’t cope. I can’t stop my own distress. I can’t reassure myself. I need someone/want someone to give me those things. It’s unreasonable but I crave the safety of someone else.
Everyone talks bad about me. They think I cross lines and am inappropriate and a joke. I am not reliable. Nobody seeks guidance from a proven failure.
I think I will feel better if I cut under my forearms but it’s hot and I’ll have to wear long sleeves.
I can see moments of my childhood. I watched my parents scream at each other over money and my mom threw a glass ashtray at my dad and it smashed our front door. I ran out of the house without shoes. They fought and I went to their room to ask them to hug and make up and they wouldn’t. I begged. Why would they let me watch that and then not appease me? I was a fucking child.
It happened more than once.
I always felt uneasy with them in terms of life plans and events. Like they weren’t organized or prepared enough for vacations, trips, parties, finances, etiquette etc. I envied other parents because they had it together and they made me feel safe, like they were smart and ready and everything would be OK.
I need that again.
I can’t save myself. I’m not capable.
I know know nobody wants to be with me. I bring nothing to the table. I only take.
I am bad. I am needy. I fail in all aspects of life. I should feel embarrassed 100% of the time.
I need to escape this. Please