After thinking a bit, I guess the sexual abuse has affected me more than I thought.
It has helped me strive in my education and in my need to be as self-reliant as possible, but it has affected me emotionally and socially in several ways.
#1-Risky behavior is my form of self-harm-
Risky behavior includes a variety of risk-taking measures, but usually it involves abusive relationships or allowing myself to stay in situations where my life could be at risk or where I give my body out cheaply. I do these whenever I am angry or sad, maybe as a way of coping, but it usually brings out more anger or sadness and eventually regret. These are also the only times I’m able to cry everything out.
#2-Fears or unwanted phobias-
Probably less likely to affect me unless I am going to a party or I am on my own in a social situation or situation where contact with others is possible. I’m unable to go out at night calmly, or go to a party without worrying(at times) if something bad will happen.Unable to be alone with certain people(men mostly), out of fear of what they can or are capable of.Though these don’t affect me constantly, they can happen suddenly.
Another common situation I am in, even if I’m not admitting that I was abused to someone. Even my boyfriend of two years who I had talked everyday for over two years, was often someone I became fearful of even-though he had never done anything to hurt me physically.
I can never tell if I’m getting better or worse(sometimes I feel I can). I also don’t know how to improve, simply because there is way too many ways to try to get better emotionally and mentally, so sometimes or very often, I get confused about what to try or what path to take.
When it comes to being intimate with a partner, I usually end up hating them, which makes me feel incredibly horrible at the same time. Even if it was consensual, I end up feeling very sour towards them. Usually to the point where these relationships will end.
#6-Inability to say no and freeze reflex-
Whenever I am in a situation where someone is trying to hurt me or even just situations where my boyfriend and I would try to get intimate, I would automatically go silent and my mind would go blank. Often times, I freeze up and simply forget that ‘no’ is even part of my vocabulary.This also makes me an easy target to be assaulted again. I end up getting intimate without proper permission.(Not anyone’s fault but my own)
#7-I don’t fit in/Some people find me confusing-
Friends or people I have know for a long time tend to be confused by my thoughts. Or might even have questions about my abuse if I end up telling them about it.They might not understand or they might treat me like I’m an alien and not know how to handle me or feel about me.
#8-Flashbacks, venting, and more triggers-
Flashbacks are too common, along with occasional nightmares. I tend to also vent possibly a bit too much, though my closest friends will tell me it’s no problem. Flashbacks can be embarrassing if I’m in public, since it feels like I’m very exposed even-though no one can actually read my mind.
#9-Sometimes people get frustrated when they can’t fix me-
When I vent, sometimes it’s hard for someone not to give me advice or they feel like they need to.Advice is welcome, though it’s probably something I’ve heard of before, or it can be a slightly insensitive remark. I really don’t expect anyone to fix me or try to do so, since I’m the only one really capable at this point.