Healing On my Own

I’m not sure really if this will help me at all, the writing. This is really all I have left at the moment. Healing from sexual abuse, if I can even call it that, is difficult. I think it’s difficult no matter the type of abuse, but it’s even more difficult when you start off so late after it happened.

I never turned in the person who did this to me, and I really don’t care what he does with himself, as long as I’m not part of his life. The first part of healing is acceptance and the desire to want to get better. However, sometimes I feel like I don’t even want to heal. To me, healing is letting it go, not needing to talk about it, and learning to separate my past from my ever-day life. All of that sounds intimidating.

For one, my sexual abuse spanned from as early as I can remember(three years old), up until I was twelve, along with molestation by some classmates as I grew older.Letting go of something that’s been my life for almost as long as I’ve lived, is incredibly difficult. It’s all I’ve known.I spent years trying to ask for forgiveness for some grave sin that wasn’t even my fault.

Whenever I get close to accepting that it was abuse, my mind immediately asks the question, “Yeah, but what about this?What about what you did?What about your part in all of this?Don’t act like some of it isn’t your fault.” And then I’m suddenly back to where I started, all over again.Trying to accept what happened as something that is not my fault and something that did happen.

I’m not even upset or angry or sad, I don’t feel anything towards the person who caused a lot of my pain.I feel very angry at the person who I told and who didn’t believe me.The words this person said to me, such as “it’s your fault,” has been stuck in my mind and probably won’t ever go away. It’s ruined my relationship with them even-though they already asked for forgiveness and apologized.

Forgiveness hasn’t helped me heal. Because everything is still there. I thought maybe forgiving would be better, but it hasn’t done anything for me. It hasn’t even allowed some of the smallest pieces of anger to vanish.

To be honest, I don’t think I want to heal at all, but I wan’t to be able to find my own way in life. I want to have friends, and I want to be around people without them asking why I can’t look towards the future and not the past. To be honest, I’m not sure. I really don’t know how I’m going to heal on my own, or if it will last even if I improve. It’s not that I don’t look towards the future, I do. I do more than most of my friends or people that I have known. I always have something I want to do and my sexual abuse has never held me back in doing those things. If anything, my sexual abuse has only pushed me harder to stand on my own and protect myself when it’s needed. It’s helped me strive in my education and in my ambitions.

Sometimes I believe it makes me look crazy to others, if I’m having a particular bad day, it makes people look at me differently. I’m not seen as a normal person. They see me during my bad days and will assume I’m like that all the time. I do have a history of seasonal depression that hits me hard in the summer months before leaving unexpectedly. However, I don’t believe my emotions or depression are who I am. They just come and go on their own and their not something I have 100 percent control over. I’m usually a very positive person and I avoid thinking about my abuse as much as possible, but it will always find a way to come back.

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