Im drowning

It’s been a while since we’ve escalated; and by a while I mean a few days. 

All day he’s been picking away at me. 

First the phone call ‘are you sure you want to do this? We don’t have to split up. We can make it work ‘ and on and on. I hung up

Then the texts –

Him: ‘I’m struggling with this’ @13.28

Me: ‘Im sure. Its not easy ‘ @13.33

Him: ‘it doesn’t need to be this way’ @13.37

Him: ‘Especially with how far we’ve come….we have a house & family now we should be celebrating that we’ve gone through the tough times & come out the other side…not just throw the towel in’ @13.39

Him: ‘I am still willing to do what it takes to stay together’ @13.43

Him: ‘your thoughts’ @15.21

Him: ‘call me ‘ @16.03

Followed by a meme that said ‘I’m sorry I failed you ‘ @16.57

I called for another reason then he starts on again about everything. I didn’t engage the convo and said I had to go. 

The text I got later that evening was typical of my earlier mention of sex being used as a reward/ punishment system. 

Him: ‘I’ll be home in 30 mins do u wanna watch than tv show or have sex – hair pulling optional lol’ @20.25

Me: ‘Tv show would be good.’ @20.26

So he rocks up home. Less than 10 minutes after arriving we’re going round and round in circles with an argument we’ve had more times than I care to think. Why can’t we make it work? I’m the one ripping the family apart. He’s not going to sign anything (usually finished with ‘unless you pick up my dead hand and sign it yourself’). I’m not going to play by your rules and your demands blah blah blah. I was in the kitchen making a cup of tea. He was standing at the only exit point from our kitchen so I felt trapped. I call time out he gets all shitty and starts trying to bait me with comments like ‘What you can’t talk about it because you know I’m right’ or some similar shit. I walk away and he follows me down the hall still arguing and baiting me. He has absolutely no concept of space despite me telling him I need it. 

Before the argument esculated he asked why it wouldn’t work and I mentions key things for me included that I couldn’t trust him and I worried he would hurt me or the kids after the threats he’d made and he asked me why I thought he’d threatened me. My automatic response to this question these days is ‘let me guess; its my fault? I made you?’

His reply ‘of course! You made me do it with all your threats’ – spoiler alert! There are no threats from me. Unless you consider a bruised ego one?!

I feel like I’m drowning. How the fuck did I end up here? Why will he not leave? It’s doing my head in. I’m so exhausted from all his shit and I just can’t seem to reech the surface for air. I’m drowning and my husband’s holding my head under the water while he enjoyed every second of it. 

I say ill pass on watching the tv show and ill just go to bed. He’s like a kid who’s having a tantrum. He can’t believe I’m being ‘like this’. Surely I can separate out the argument from watching tv? *Insert multiple snide comments here* I’ll never know why he can’t get the concept of respecting a person and their space. Right now I want space. And air. I need to get my head above water!

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