I Don’t Know

 I have been confused at emotions before, had them run out of control. But they’ve been mostly logical, I could figure out the reasons why I was sad or angry or whatever. This is different, I feel different.

I can’t stop it, I just get worried and scared and I don’t really know why. I wasn’t that worried about feeling a bit more anxious, my worries about social situations were a little worse, worried/fearful thoughts became a little more prevalent in my mind, but I was still doing fine. I thought it might have just been stressed or worn out, or even just feeling a bit down or something.

Yesterday I was feeling these effects more than usual (it’s been going on for around a month or two) so I decided to take a shower to calm down, I even listened to some music. I was fine just chilling out in the shower when the song I was listening to (Watsky – Chemical Angel) talked about feeling your pulse. I decided to do so for pretty much that reason alone, and I realized my heart was beating quite fast, or at least I thought it was. I got a little worried about this, and then more worried, and then extremely scared. I started thinking something was wrong, I was breathing heavily and very fast, I got light headed, felt sick, my legs went weak, I felt tight in the chest and the sound of the shower and my music started really overwhelming me. After a couple minutes of trying to calm down I realized that I just had to escape from that situation, I turned off and practically jumped out of the shower, shut off the music faster than I ever have before and just lay on the bathroom floor. Luckily for me my girlfriend had decided to send me a random message which distracted me and calmed me down a lot, but despite the fact I wasn’t freaking out any more, I started to feel  this irrational sense of worry and fear. I also was confused as I’ve never experienced anything like that before.

It’s like I’m super anxious about just existing or something, I could barely deal with some social situations today and couldn’t sit next to some people in my classes. I thought I was fine with my car crash by now, but I can’t joke about it any more, like it’s starting to bother me again, today my science teacher asked me about it and I had to explain how I got trapped and broke my femur and it was the fucking worst, of course I wasn’t going to say ‘no I don’t want to’ because apparently I’m embarrassed about feeling like that. It’s just getting worse, I still think my heart is beating too fast.

And then there was this afternoon’s panic. It was different, it was worse today. It happened in the shower again, I had brushed my fingers through my hair when suddenly I was compelled to do it again and again. I felt like something was on my head I had to get off, and then it was on my arms as well, and eventually it was all over my body. I felt like I was going insane, I was frantically rubbing my body all over trying to get this ‘thing’ off me, but it wasn’t working, it just kept coming back and I couldn’t get rid of it. Then I started panicking again, hyperventilating, heightened heart rate, sickness, weakness, fear. It was worse this time, I felt like there was something pressing down on me on all sides, like I was wearing clothes that were way too tight, and I was trying to get them off but I couldn’t find what it was because  it was everywhere. I realized after a while that it was the water, I instantly bailed on my second shower in a row, but I just kept getting worse. I was extremely bothered by this feeling of the water being all over me, I grabbed my towel and tried desperately to get it all off, but the feeling didn’t stop, I was drying myself for around 20 minutes before I decided I needed help and messaged my girlfriend (I don’t know why but I just don’t feel comfortable talking to my parents about this type of stuff, despite me feeling I probably should).

Here is an excerpt of me bothering her with my illogical fear, it only gets worse from there

[7:00 PM] Liam: I had a shower and the water is all over me and it won’t come off
[7:00 PM] Liam: I can’t get it off
[7:00 PM] Kiara ♡: ?
[7:01 PM] Liam: I can’t get it off and I’m not okay
[7:01 PM] Liam: And my heart beats too fast and if it slows down it will be too slow
[7:02 PM] Liam: And m hair won’t go dry and I keep drying it and it’s still not dry
[7:02 PM] Kiara ♡: hairdryer?
[7:03 PM] Kiara ♡: maybe leave a towel on your head?
[7:03 PM] Liam: I think I’m going to pass out
[7:03 PM] Liam: I don’t know what to do
[7:03 PM] Kiara ♡: find a comfortable place
[7:05 PM] Liam: I can’t leave and the lamp is too hot and I’m not dry yet
[7:05 PM] Liam: And I’m itchy
[7:06 PM] Liam: My dad cooked dinner and he’s yelling for me to come and I can’t
[7:07 PM] Liam: It all over me it’s everywhere and I can’t get it

This went on for a lot longer than the previous day, after about another couple of minutes I had finally gotten over the water, but I didn’t feel any better. I was shivering and feld the blood pumping through my face and fingers and I was still scared. I couldn’t stop breathing so fast and so heavy and my whole body was shaking, all for no apparent reason.

This secondary feeling lasted about half an hour
[7:51 PM] Liam: I’ll be fine

I’m confused, I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t know why, I don’t know how to explain properly how I feel and I don’t know how this works. I have so many fucking questions that no-one knows the answer to.

Are these panicked episodes a result of the anxiety? They seem to worsen it but is that just how I’m feeling right now?

Is this going to happen all the time now?

Why now?

Why me? 

What is going on?

Should I tell my parents?

Won’t they think I’m stupid?

Am I just being stupid and weak?

Why do I have to be so stupid and weak? Why the fuck can’t I just deal with this shit on my own and not involve people I care about? I feel like a black hole that sucks up all of their positive feelings and support only to have a different problem a couple weeks later, like all their help was for nothing.

I am not okay, the constant feelings of fear and worry, and the overthinking I already did, they just don’t stop and I feel so horrible. I think I need some help, at least to get through it. But I don’t even know who to ask about this, I feel like I’m just being a burden on the people I’ve talked to it about, they all have their own problems that I should be helping them with, not the other way round. Ugh, It’s late and I’m really fucked up in the head , hopefully I feel better tomorrow. Just needed to catalog how I feel right now, because it’s new and I really want to figure it out, also it kind of scares me I guess.

This is a confused and anxious Liam, signing off.

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