Sometimes it takes such a small event to change the outlook of what has been your reality for so many years. for me– that small event took shape in the form of this fine caramel 5’11 god-like figure. Not even knowing him for all that long and I feel this comfort level that i have never felt meeting someone new. It felt refreshing, nerve-wrecking, scary and happy all at once. Deciding to finally put myself out there without expectations was probably one of the best decisions I have made. It has made me question why have i dated dirtbags all of my life. from the moment he opened my door I was hesitant and did not even know what to do… me a 31 year old woman feeling weird because a man has opened a couple doors for me– even me writing this makes me want to cry. something as simple as an opening of the door and me feeling awkward made me realize how fucked up the life i have lived is.
Ive always been resilient– self sufficient, to the point where i have programmed myself to think i can do everything by myself. Probably one of the main reasons all my relationships have failed on my end; always thinking i can do bad all by myself. Jeez- the audacity of life to smack me in the face and make me see things different.
Growing up is a hell of a drug- clears your vision and way of thinking. Growing up has made me look at priorities and what exactly I want out of life. It may be the age talking here or it may be the 11 years i lasted in a emotionless relationship. Where were the compliments? the cuddling? the love? the intimacy? I mean don’t get me wrong there was sex- and not that bad either… but i never experienced what i’ve always fantasized about… not only the intimacy of the flesh but more so of the soul. The piercing look before an intimate kiss. the hair standing in the back of my neck. the wetness of my parts that make me realize just how excited i am. ultimately that is what i would want… Not only a husband- a best friend, a lover, a soul connection that runs deep like the very veins that keep the trees alive.
But… how do I separate the expectation of friendship from the mentality of wanting this man down to the very core? What can I do to keep this friendzone– to not catch feelings? That my friends is the question of the century.
Whatever his purpose in my life is– whether it is something small like finally finding my passion of writing again or a big life event like him becoming my king.. I welcome it with open arms after all that is the journey of life. the journey that began on a Sunday.