More confused than ever

I’m 19 years old.

When I met my boyfriend, we were living the life I wanted. Granted we were making bad choices (Smoking bud, drinking, partying) but that was fun to me! I never got to do any of that in high school. I love having fun, I love having friends. 

Now I have to sit at home all the time. Just daydreaming all day of the things I want to do. I honestly hate being a stepmom…I hate being good. Does that make me bad? I feel awful for wanting to go out and party and have fun because I know that’s not what he wants to do anymore. He wants to be a responsible parent…Maybe we’re just different. Maybe that’s where the problem really lies. Whenever it was just us, partying was okay, but now he wants to be the family man, and I’m afraid that’s not the life I want for myself. I want to actually experience my young adulthood. I want to be able to act my age, I don’t want to grow up! How are we supposed to work that out? He’s headed in a completely different direction than I am…I want to be young. 

He’s the one that made a mistake. He’s the one that brought a child into the world too soon, so why should my entire life be switched around and given up? Someone, please give me some insight because I am completely lost here…

How do you tell someone that after an entire year of being together, you don’t want to be a stepmom to his child anymore, or that you don’t want to have other people living with you? How do you tell someone that everything you have isn’t what you want? It makes me feel ungrateful, and I hate disappointing people so much! He works every day, he puts me through college, but I’m still so unhappy. I’m unhappy arguing all the time, I’m unhappy staring at the same 4 walls every single moment of every single day, doing the same damn routine all the time. Never able to be alone, never able to do the things that I want because they’re not family oriented…It’s been 2 months here and I’m so miserable.

Is this even something that can be compromised? 

Are you supposed to stay miserable for someone you’re in love with?

And how can I even begin to start over on my own…

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