phantom hungeries

last night i ate 5 meat/cream cheese/pickle rolls, over a cup of sausage dip and a can of green beans. more than enough to make me feel full. less than an hour later i wanted more food.

what

the fuck

the sheer amount of saturated fat should have had me hurling from feeling full. but no.

is it my current wiring? is it the diet orange soda? is it wonky hormone swings?

i don’t effing know

knee is still stiff and back still sore from the most pathetically small foot skid ever. i really need to just sac up and do yoga. because even when i think i’m relaxed, my shoulders are bunched up.

and i couldn’t sleep again. over 24 hours awake and i’m pretty much bushy eyed and bright tailed.

sore as all hell too

i feel really boring. i wish i had the attention span for a hobby. then i’d have something to talk about.

my bed no longer feels blissful to sink into. baby, that’s your downside. my bed sucks now.

i am surrogate mom to my sister’s dogs. if they aren’t playing, 9 times out of 10 they’re around me and my feet.

my pothos has been abused and neglected the last few years. i feel bad about that. i’ve had him long enough to assign a gender and feelings to him. he’s had extreme haircuts and root cuts out of extreme frustrated anger and depression a few times. he’s trying to make a comeback. he has a little tuft of leaf hairs growing out. i’m making myself leave him the hell alone and give him all the good ferts, like rotten fish and mineral dust. sorry little buddy.

i still want more food.

i’m still ambivalent about getting in touch with a grade school friend, mainly because i’m old as hell but still with the emotional maturity of 14 and she’s a long time mom of human kids. that and i don’t know if my emotions are dulled by pain and/or medicine. but i’m meh about it.

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