After: Day 98

I still haven’t forgiven myself for what I did to you. Everyone said that I could do better than you, I don’t know why I started to listen to them. I was happy, but I guess that I also needed change, and you weren’t willing to help me achieve that change.

I’ve been missing you a lot lately. I miss the way you smell, your smile, and those blue eyes of yours. I miss making you laugh, and your laugh itself, your annoying ass sisters, and even your childish and extremely immature father. I still hate how you never cleaned after yourself and always expected me to do so. I hated it at that time, but I miss how sure you were about everything and did what you wanted to, unapologetically. You weren’t afraid to be yourself.

You have your flaws, we all do. You didn’t know how to love me, you can’t just expect me to be there for you when you weren’t there when I needed you most. You always chose others instead of me, and you always chose work over me. You made me feel worthless and easily replaceable, and you proved to me that I am. You didn’t fight once for me. You just let me go and now I just have a memory of you sitting there smiling at me as I left you. Why didn’t you fight for me? Why does it feel like you’re the one who left, like you’re the one who ended it? You hurt me, all I wanted was for you to show me that you cared, that I mattered. I wanted you to prove to me that you loved me, but you couldn’t. You never once told me I’m pretty or called me beautiful. It took two years, man. 

I hope you’re doing good. I hope life is taking it easy on you and you find what you want. I hope you stay focused in school and not get too sucked into your job. I hope you learn to love her and treat her how I should’ve been treated. If so, then she’s very lucky to be with you. No matter what you think, you’re a pretty decent person to be around and very adventurous. 

You’re not the only at fault, for why we didn’t work. I did you wrong. I’m not afraid to admit it. I did the one thing I always said I never would, and you don’t even know about it. The guilt eats me alive at night, I don’t know how people live like this everyday. I wish you still talked to me, and I wish we could at least be friends. I miss you a little less everyday, until I remember what I did behind your back. I love you, I miss you, old friend.

I’m sorry

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