Ping pong balls

My life isn’t terrible. Not even close.

If you looked at my life, as an outsider, it would seem that I may even have the “perfect” life. I have an amazing partner that I’ve been with for years and have known for centuries. I’m not “well off” financially, per say, but I do have the means to live comfortably in comparison to some. I have a roof over my head, a job to go to every day, and food on the table every night. As perfect as it needs to be, right?

 

Wrong. Ha, anyone knows you can have these things and still be missing something. What I’m missing is something that’s been missing for quite a while. This one thing, which is likely seemingly a small thing, clouds my mind, takes over my thoughts, and often beats me up.

I lack a solid, reliable, undeniable friend. Of course, my boyfriend is my friend, and I have friends, I just feel like I don’t have “the friend” like everyone else does. To be more specific, most girls have a ride or die BFF that they communicate/hang out with often. Well, I’m not that girl. As a matter of fact, it would appear I am most often what I would call a seasonal friend.

I say this because most of the close, or what I thought were close, friends that I’ve had over the years have either dismissed me, or just flat out stopped responding to me. I won’t lie to you, due to my lack of a lifelong friend, I may be overbearing and needy. I get it. I’m sorry I’m broken and hoping you’re the missing piece to my life’s puzzle. So, I’m aware a lot of the problem is likely myself and some of the problem is also just the flow of life.

Am I really that terrible though? Do I really fail that miserably at making and keeping friends? Maybe making them isn’t as difficult, keeping them is definitely much harder. Basically, this whole friend complex that I have leaves me feeling not good enough. Leaves me feeling rejected. Leaves me feeling lonely, sad, and empty. Then I ponder over the idea that maybe, just maybe, I’m not meant to have a lifelong friend. Maybe I’m meant to be alone. 

The thoughts just bounce around my mind like ping pong balls.

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