So I did it. I told him how I felt last night because I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I told him that I didn’t like being a stepmom and that I don’t like having to be a fake Susie Homemaker here.
He said he feels like I would have been better off if we’d never met, and that I’m better off on my own, and that what I said shook his soul and disturbed him.
I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst. I really believe that means he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because neither of us is happy. It breaks my heart so much to think about living the rest of my life without him, but I can do it. I’ll probably fall off my wagon and roll down a hill, but I’ve always picked myself back up.
He doesn’t understand what it’s like to be sick minded. I can’t help the things that go on in m head, and it’s like he expects me to turn it off. I have no outlet anymore. I don’t smoke cigarettes or pot, or get drunk anymore. Unhealthy, yes, but that was how I quieted the voices. I don’t want to be like this. I didn’t want my childhood to be the way it was. I didn’t ask for any of that…but he just doesn’t get it, and I am tired of burdening him with trying to deal with it.
I guess it really doesn’t matter how much you love someone. He’ll never find someone that loves him as much as I do, but he’ll find someone that makes his life easier instead of harder. That’s what he needs for himself and his family.
I just need to turn the page and be alone.