I Don’t Wanna Be Me

I haven’t been able to write for a long time, nearly three weeks. I have actually been quite busy; I’m really tired and I’m losing weight. I weigh 51.7kg and I’m 5ft 4. I have been taking my two year old son out a lot and that’s rather exhausting! Really I have been taking Harry out so much for an ultimately extremely sad reason…my friend Catherine was going to get married to her partner who she had a son with, Aneurin, but a few months ago he walked out on them both. Her partner did come back to her though, saying sorry and she took him back. About a month ago after a terrible drama which involved the police he left Catherine and Aneurin again, it seems for good 🙁 Catherine is in a terrible state and her and Aneurin have had to stay in the flat they once shared with her ex-fiancé. She found a soft play and suggested we take Harry and Aneurin there. It is actually a brilliant soft play and we usually stay until closing time…one time we were there over four hours! I understand why Catherine wants to stay out of the flat so much. Harry and Aneurin have such fun so that’s the best thing for the both of us; both our sons happy and having fun 🙂 Catherine and I also take our sons to a play & pray group in what used to be my regular church…I was baptised in Mexico but I had my first holy communion in this church and my confirmation.

I like being back in my old church…as soon as I walked down the aisle of the church once group was finished to say a prayer with the other members I recognised everything…it was just a very surprisingly good/nice feeling. I felt sort of welcome and calm. I can’t explain it very well. I don’t  feel like that in any other place. I struggle and make myself suffer immensely everywhere else I go. Catherine has a srong faith and has been trying to use it to get her through…she still struggles greatly and to be honest I’m not surprised. I don’t say too much or give advice as I know there is nothing I can say that will ease her pain. She needs time to hurt and I certainly cannot tell her what to do. It’s easy to see that her ex-partner wasn’t the right person for her and also it’s tempting to rush in and say that she is better off without someone who is willing to walk out on a child like that but that’s not helping her at all. She cannot just move on and find someone else and think she’s better off without her ex…what’s happened to her is horrific, the pain must be unimaginable. I’m not saying no one should say anything to her but…I won’t tell her to forget about him and that she’s better off without him and she’ll find someone else soon enough…it’s a bit early for that! But I do feel useless…all I can do is take Harry to play with Aneurin with her.

It’s been good to take Harry out much more, it has definitely helped us both! Last Thursday Harry was extremely restless in the morning so I just took him to the soft play on my own and ended up staying there over three hours! It did the trick for the both of us, we both felt much better 🙂 I have been going through a bad patch; mentally I have not being feeling at all well. It’s not even that I’m overly depressed or sad I just feel like I’m being consumed by memories, anger and violent thoughts of revenge. I’m really frightened of myself and am so sick of only ever feeling worse and worse about myself with every second that passes. Now I just can’t stand myself but no matter how hard I try I can’t make myself feel better…lately I have been buying too many clothes (with my own money don’t worry) so I can look forward to getting the package through the post and when I buy these clothes I see it as a chance to reinvent myself and change myself…almost like starting myself again…like clothes are a physical new thing that symbolise a ‘new me’ and therefore I can start again and try again to not be so messed up, to be a good, likeable person…but obviously it doesn’t truly work; clothes are just clothes, they won’t erase the past, they don’t really make you new again, they don’t cleanse your sins, they don’t make you a stronger and better person that will never cause a drama again, it just doesn’t work like that…so I buy more and more things hoping it’ll work but of course it won’t! If anyone reads this they’d probably not be able to understand and think I’m completely bonkers but the thing is I am bonkers really.

The anger scares me though. I always seem to get consumed in horrible, HORRIBLE memories of the awful things that have happened throughout my life since I was 8. I was 29 in June. I do get consumed by my worst memories and I don’t know why! I don’t try to think of them, I don’t dwell on them on purpose, they just seem to get literally STUCK in my head and are SO hard to shake. My mind seems to have to relive the entire memory and I desperately don’t want to. It an awful lot and the only thing I can do is yes either go out and keep myself busy or play music. But sometimes it’s even harder to deal with all these things than it usually is…it’s always hard but times come where it’s awful to cope with and I feel like I’m going to break. I don’t self harm or overdose on lorazepam and sleeping tablets anymore because of my son. But sometimes I think that’s worse as my mental health issues are free to wander unchecked and unchallenged and potentially devastating…just like a lion left to wander out of it’s cage. The self harm was a way to control the beast within and take all the anger and revenge out on myself. It was like self harm was also a way of bringing justice to the world for my own existence, punishing myself for the way my life has gone, all the bad things I’ve done and thought, for getting nowhere in life, for gaining so many horrific memories. I better stop or I could be typing forever…

“I fear who I am becoming

I fear that I’m losing all beauty within.”

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