The Last Song I’m Wasting On You

Exhausted this morning! Harry had a dirty nappy at 6:45am…at the moment he isn’t sleeping in his cot at all, he only sleeps in my bed with me now 🙁 I hope he no longer does this in January when he’ll start having overnights with his father. I’m still not feeling well at all and I was convinced it was Monday. I was up late last night, didn’t go to bed till 11:30pm because when I’m on a downer I seem to get very restless. I didn’t even stay up doing anything in particular, just went to the kitchen and ate the last of the breadsticks.

**It’s 12:12pm now, had to stop because Harry came upstairs to find me. Feeling upset and very angry now, as usual my mum with her annoyed, bitchy, raised harsh tone with myself and my father because of some misunderstanding with my older sister. She takes it out on us and blames us for the problem and tells everyone else that we’re the ones being nasty to her. I love my mum but I don’t need this right now. She’s been trying to arrange going to stay at my sister’s house in Reading from Thursday till Saturday but being shouted at about these arrangements that I haven’t even been involved with anyway is making me think that actually I’m not going to go. Harry will be an awful lot more restless in Ali’s house and it’ll be even more work that usual for me. Plus it can cause bad problems with her husband because ever since he left the armed forces after fighting in Helmand province he’s been very…stressed and unsettled. He can’t seem to be happy in any job he finds. He gets extremely stressed very easily. So maybe it’s best Harry and me stay behind. Dad isn’t welcome in Ali’s new house so he’ll be staying at home too anyway. Ali has no patience for his mental health issues anymore. She struggles with his negative behaviours.

Anyway I best go downstairs; I can hear a lot of banging caused by Harry. Mum has gone out for the day, she won’t be back till 4 or 5pm and dad is in bed. His drugs tire him out, he doesn’t wake up properly till late in the evening…then he has to take all the drugs all over again and be zonked for the night and most of the next day again, over and over. It’s sad he’s been completely written off basically…once doctors said he’d never experience improvement in his mental health thirteen years ago but was stabilised on loads of medication they never really did anything more for him and wouldn’t see him or keep an eye on him. That was it, terminally mentally ill so mental health services thought what’s the point, he’ll never experience improvement so just leave it to the GP’s to get his lithium levels checked every few months. End of. Like that poor baby that’s been on the news, Charlie. Great Ormond Street Hospital could see there was nothing more they could do so that’s it there we go, they didn’t want to pay anymore money to keep Charlie alive. Again end of. Compassion used to be one of the main things you needed as a nurse or doctor many years ago but it’s the one thing that has been lost. Decisions are made sticking to the laws, the rules, seen from a medical point of view only. No emotions, no morals, no thinking of people and cases as individual, just the same laws and rules have to fit everyone. And if the patients and their loved ones speak or act out the entire medical profession pull together to protect themselves. The patient now comes last in the 21st century. Charlie has died. The one thing I know for sure is no child deserves to die without their parents or guardians being present…same as no parents should have to suffer their child dying alone without them there. END OF 🙁


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