Bad Day (first day on inderal)

It’s so close to too much, so fucking close to complete collapse. The medication just saps my energy and I still feel like shit, and despite the fact I need to put in a huge amount of effort just to keep my eyes open the ADHD seems worse than ever. I can’t do anything and it makes me feel so empty, all I want in the world right now is to be in her arms, she’s sitting right next to m and I want to just hold on and never let go. I can’t hide from her that I’m not okay, and I know she isn’t doing well either but she is very good at hiding it. She seems to have had lots of practice.

She didn’t want to even be near me this morning, I had to push her for barely half a hug and then she walked away faster than I’ve ever seen anyone walk before. I know it’s because she’s hurting, but I still feel the distance and it’s near unbearable. The only reason I’m still here is because she is here, she’s why I’m not a complete mess on the outside as well. 

I want so badly to cry but I can’t, it’s just a constant feeling in my chest that wants to get out but never can. I’m still worried and scared and overactive and I can’t tune anything out, thank fuck I brought in the medication info sheet to show my teacher so I can escape to my phone. I tried, I really tried, everything is just too much. I’m sorry.

I want to show her that I love her, it doesn’t matter that I’m about to break into a million pieces her problems still matter. She doesn’t let me in even though I know she cares so much, it hurts me but I understand she needs time. But it hurts it hurts so bad and it’s so hard to wait and I’m going to accidentally hurt her some day because I’m too close to the edge. 

Right when I think I’m finally getting better it all just gets worse again. I have important tests coming up and I’m not going to do well, I can barely hold myself together in a normal class let alone a stressful time limited one.

I’m going to fail everyone, not even in the paranoid way I just can’t do it. I can’t do well in school right now, I can’t be stable and I can’t help. I’m so weak and useless and am slowly becoming a burden to everyone. They will constantly need to help me, I can’t even talk properly to my parents because of Rejection sensitive dysphoria so it’s just my poor friends with their own problems that are being bothered. 

How heavy will I get before they can’t hold me above the surface anymore, please god don’t let me drag any of them down with me.

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