Damaged

I don’t know anymore.  Some days I wonder why I stay with Nathan.  I’m amazed that I stayed with him this long with all the fights that we have had, but more and more times I find myself thinking about leaving after a fight.  
Not little fights. We have little fights…just bickering and then there is full on he’s pissed about me asking a question and starts throwing shit. 
Saturday morning we went to the city right after I got off work to go get more insulation for the house and who the hell knows when we are going to do it, but a few times during that trip we started arguing about I don’t even remember, but it got turned around and ended fine.
Yesterday morning when I got home from work, he was already out mowing the lawn, but the mower was acting up and while I was eating some cereal it kept dying on him over and over and then he came inside kinda frustrated. Right after him walking in was when I noticed that he had set up the portable air conditioner again, after I found out it broke underneath and was draining water on the floor and I got tired of mopping it up since I was the only one who was changing out towels every few hours of it running. 
I asked him why he set it back up, Said he needed it on for how hot it is in here, and all I said was, but it’s broken on the bottom. 
Well, he freaked out. Ripped the thing out of the window and ripped the cord out of the wall and literally threw it outside.  Opened the door and threw it as far as he could out the door, screaming that all it’s going to do is just fucking sit out there like everything else that gets put outside. ‘Which a lot of the time is him putting stuff on the front steps and not bringing it to the dumpster’, but I’m naturally the one to blame for everything when he gets like this. Something doesn’t go right with the house siding, I get yelled at.  He fights with his dad, I get yelled at.  Fucking mower doesn’t work and I question why he’s using something that’s broken, I get yelled at. 
Why do I put up with it… I mean, I was told by his aunt, who was my mom’s best friend. (She passed away a long time ago) She told me LONG before we were dating, I was still in school then. But she said ever since his motorcycle accident he gets upset easily and he can get violent. 
I know he can. I’ve seen him get violent. He’s never hurt anyone, but he breaks shit.  I know it’s from the accident. Half his brain is nothing but scar tissue from the swelling of hitting his head on the pavement. I know there’s brain damage, I notice he’s starting to repeat certain words over and over as he’s talking.  I think it’s getting worse, but I’ve heard it was worse when he got out of the hospital so maybe he’s regressing.
But after his fit I just went to bed. I didn’t even bother talking to him or saying anything else after he threw the air conditioner outside. So I went to lay down and all a sudden I had this horrible headache. It felt like a fucking migraine was triggered and any noise and sound and any movement made it hurt worse. 
Got up and got some excedrin and went back to bed. Well, then he comes in and said he’s going to the city to get something and asked if I wanted anything. I just shook my head, what’s the point in talking when he’s been acting like a asshole. Asked me why I wasn’t speaking to him, I told him I didn’t want to be the reason for him to get more pissed off. 
Well, he left after that. Whatever. 
I was in and out of sleep most of the day. Waking up to pain in my head and in my eyes.  Every time I moved or my eyes moved it hurt worse. I tried to make myself sleep until I had to go to work, but I got up before 6pm and sat in the shower for awhile to see if it would help my headache. It did. 
Then I went into the kitchen and Nathan was sleeping on the couch. I don’t know how he slept with how fucking hot it was in there. And I got dressed and sat back in the bedroom in front of the fan as it was cooler and then he came in and laid down in there. 
I went into the kitchen to find a card on the table. 
Here there were two cards inside, one was an I’m Sorry card, and he wrote how sorry he was for how he acted in the morning and that he’s trying to be a better person and he doesn’t want me to leave.  Then he had an I love you card, didn’t saying except the cards saying. 
I went into the bedroom and thanked him.  No point to talk about it once it’s over with, but chatted for a little bit and I let him go back to sleep so that he could cool off and hopefully he slept during the night so his day isn’t totally miserable…but with it going to be in the 90’s I think it’s going to be miserable.  If I could get that fucking window conditioner out of the back room I would, but Nathan had trouble lifting and carrying that thing, so I wouldn’t be able to at all. 
Well, I guess I better get going. About an hour left of work, so I better do some charting.  I’m on call tonight, so I’ll either be working or I’ll be at home all night. No point getting up and visiting if I might have to go in. Can’t be tired when going into work.

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