I hate sitting in silence.
Silence seems louder than screaming. I’m forced to deal with the feelings, there’s nothing to distract me. I’m all alone, nowhere to run, nothing to mask what really goes on in my head.
I don’t want to die. I’m actually terrified of the notion of death because of its uncertainty. Sometimes, though, I wonder what it would have been like could I be someone else. Sure, the memories I have would be gone, and everyone I’ve ever loved I would have never met…but where are they now anyway? Seems like the people along my memory path would have been perfectly fine without me, they are now.
No one dares to pick up the phone and ask me how I’m doing. No one needs to hear if I’m okay…Not even the people living in the same house as me. I put on this fake mask to hide everything inside, and I know they see past it, but they don’t bother. I don’t even try to explain because my mind and my words are alien to them. They just look at me like some kind of freak.
Maybe I am a freak, but this is what my journey has made me.
How can someone from such abusive situations be violent themselves? Because when your entire life is violence, you have to learn abusive tactics just to survive the day, and it takes time for you to unlearn them..it takes time for your subconscious to really believe that it won’t happen again.
They didn’t start out like that…They never do. They all start out acting like you’re the greatest thing in the world to them…they make you feel safe and trusting. Then they get angry…so you see, that’s why it’s so hard. because there’s no telling when someone could snap on you…there’s no telling how much a person can take. It’s not even their faults either….something happened to them too.
But normal people…people that lived a regular family-style life, they don’t get it. There are a million ways I could describe what it’s like for me, and they’ll never understand it. Trust me I’ve tried. They try to make a math problem out of it…but there’s nothing logical about the way my world works. This world is fluid, and bendy. There is no black and white, or even grays. There are millions of different colors and shades of colors, loops, twists, and turns. Nothing is really what it seems….
so we just sit in silence.
in the violent quiet.