F***ed shit up

Hi diary, I’m a 37 year old wife/mother. Today I broke my husband. I am already broken myself. I’m now drinking a cobra beer sitting after a failed ‘I’m leaving you’.

I only came back because my son cried.

I asked for money to go,my wages only pay my bills and my 20k debt. So I have nothing. He wouldn’t give me any.

It’s true I’m faulty. 

21 years. 

I’m sorry. 

This doesn’t mean anything now I have said it too many times.

So I’m supposed to take 100mg of sertraline per day, for 2 months now I have been rationing my prescription. (I have no money) I wait till the 4th day usually until I get dizzy then I pop one. I will have to squirrel some money away. Note to self.

I’m not backing down. 

My kids hurt the most, it’s like a fucking cannonball to my gut when they see me weak like this. I hate it with every ounce of my core. I want to wrap my car round a tree. No I cannot for them I love them too much.I have cut myself for release previously but it passes. 

I don’t know if my mental state deems my thoughts or my environment does. I am lost.  

Sorry if this seems depressing or wrong to your ears. Fuck you don’t read it. ( I guess I’m in my dark light right now) .

My husband says I’m angry.

Maybe I am.

He says I argue.

Maybe I am.

He says we go over this constantly.

We do.

I’m the only one that apologises.

 

 

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