After: Day 104

I’ve been feeling very incomplete lately, like something is missing from my life. Is it you? A sense of adventure I’m not fulfilling? I really don’t know. 

It could be a you, I feel empty inside and long for some conversation but I know that’ll never happen. At the same time it could just be that I miss my mother. You both left me around the same time and I’m having a lot of trouble trying to figure out which hurts the most. I know you’ll never talk to me ever again and if by some chance that you see me out in public, I know you’ll just run the other way. I wish you would be more mature, its one of the reasons why I was always so unhappy with you.

Or it could just be that I’m not being as adventurous as I used to be. You always wanted to do something, go somewhere and it could be that my heart has gotten used to that and now it needs to do something different and exciting.

I’m going out of state with him tomorrow. I know you wouldn’t have made time for me, I know you would’ve made up some sort of excuse. It was always about making sure that you had the time and money to do something and I always made the sacrifice. That time in Chicago where we had to walk 3 miles back to my car and I had to call in to work even though you told me that I would be back in time. Or what about that time I drove you to Indiana and had to cancel plans with my family. I got nothing in return, I didn’t expect anything knowing who you are.

I just wanted you to love me. I just wanted your affection, why couldn’t you give it to me? I just wanted you. I still love you but I know you’ll never be able to love me back the way I’m meant to be loved.

I’m sorry…

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