The realization about my family

I am a 27 yr old girl living independently but supporting myself and my family. I always do everything for them all my life. I am always willing to help and support them even if I feel that they still couldn’t appreciate me. I totally understand that maybe what I’m doing is not enough. But I am getting tired. My mom keeps on controlling me like a baby. Telling me that I shouldn’t date that I should sacrifice for the family. All the members agrees with her, maybe just afraid of her.

Recently, she went to my owned unit for cleaning it. I paid her for that because she also volunteers to do it with payment. I didn’t expect that she came there just to spy on my things to check if I have a boyfriend. Yes, I have a boyfriend but we agreed that I am not yet ready to let him meet my family. He was my ex-boyfriend actually, and I know what my family can do with my boyfriend (ignoring them face to face, acting impolitely in front of him).  So, to minimize the pain that I get and also to my bf, I decided to not let them know. Because they are suspecting that if I have a bf, the money I gave them became less which I can say is totally not true because my family is my priority. Going back, she saw men stuff in my garbage and message me at work confronting me. Actually, there was a time that my bf have a big fight with his brother which is 2 streets away from my place and he decided to stay at my place the whole day. The garbage that she show are the toiletries used by my bf which was totally 2 months ago. Yeah, it was in the deepest part of the plastic garbage. I never wanted to lie to anyone and yeah I admit I have a boyfriend. And not so surprisingly, they treated me like shit when we met at my unit. When I entered the door, my mom and dad, walk out of the unit without talking to me. My dad is very mad at me, because I again caused a pain to my mom which I totally don’t understand. Because I know I never become irresponsible with them. And I never did a bad thing. Is having a boyfriend that bad? He supports me all the way and he helps me especially when he notice that I almost forgot myself because of my family. Like I skip meal just to save money for them because they wanted to buy something. And the worst feeling of all is that I really feel alone and no one understands me. Am I bad for doing those? I am still thinking why I’m still hurt even though they always do this to me. Funny thing is, they can really treat me like shit, like I’m always begging for their forgiveness even if I know that I was not wrong. They don’t understand me. They never ask if I’m okay or what are the things I want. And the most funny thing is that in spite of everything, I still give them their allowance, yeah they have there monthly allowance with me even if they treat me like shit. Sometimes I feel like they never respected me or my privacy and I’m like a fool because I let them treat me that way.

As of now, I’m really confused. I’m sad because they can really treat me like shit even with the smallest mistake. I’m angry because do I really deserve this? I am asking myself if am I really not good enough? I have served them since 2011. Gave them everything they need aside from their allowance but they can still treat me like that. I feel angry with myself too, because I am getting angry to them and I shouldn’t because they are my family and I should love them no matter how they treat me. 

I am a single girl, not living with my bf. Have a good job, supportive friends, suffering from depression since young, tried to send a message to them and explained myself to them that I am getting tired and drain and the reply is “do what you want” and weeping every night . 🙁 Do I really deserve to be treated this way after all my sacrifices? 🙁

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