Well.. This didn’t go according to plan.

So it’s 3 months into our marriage. On and off for 4 years and after papers were signed the curse set in it seems. Countless fights. Trust disappeared. Everything has gone sour. Secret conversations with the in laws about my mental illnesses. Judgement. And all of the hate one could ever feel. Still I feel like there is no end to it. At the brink of almost separation the husband and I agreed to work things out. Only it seems that even though I have the most to work on, I feel like im doing everything in my power to change things about me that are genetically encoded. But I’m not sure if it’s enough. I mean it’s one thing for your in laws to not like you. It’s another to tell your husband not to marry me because of my issues. Mother in law’s huh? 


Then on top of all of it I’m reminded that most people strongly dislike me due to my mental illnesses. Like i hadn’t noticed? Other than medication, meditation, and will to survive can you accomplish any form of peace. But sometimes that isn’t enough..


Let me break it down. At 13 I was diagnosed with manic bi polar / depression. Over the years had PTSD and Paranoia added to the list. After researching and thinking alot about all of this I may have been misdiagnosed. Bi polar has such a wide spectrum of symptoms. While borderline personality disorder hasn’t been researched near as much as other disorders I think it may play a big role in my life. Even with proper treatment can effect daily life. So would that make sense after trying all kinds of different methods with no result? And if so how do you live like that? Knowing all your life you’ll have to spend walking on eggshells around other people just so you dont annoy or anger anyone else. It’s been exhausting the last few days of trying to do and say all the right things. Not to be so negative. But it would help to feel loved or appreciated.. I really think that’s another key factor. You don’t do 100% when your other half seems so distant within arms reach… Almost makes me wonder if i should let him go for his own happiness. Because to be honest… I want him for my own happiness. Selfish huh? 

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