Costco. Talk about anxiety nightmare. Ah well, I was with a friend and her daughter so I just clung to the cart and moved as fast as possible. Fast forward, we’re walking out and I almost bumped into someone so I looked up and it was Andrew…The boy I thought I was going to marry. The boy my family loved. The boy who I was so whole heartedly in love with… The boy who planned our life together. You heard right, he was planning it. The house, the kiddos, the rings…This is also the boy who woke up one day and left me… Just like that, gone… Never to be heard from again. We’re talking almost a year ago! I haven’t dated much but that is because I moved and I have been putting my all into my health and trying to get better. But I do talk to other boys and I like to think I am ready… I thought? I honestly never thought I’d see him again, much less in person, walking, less than a foot apart and almost bumping into one another at a grocery store. We both looked shocked. I immediately looked away and kept walking… Thank God we were leaving because I got into my car, turn on the radio only to hear OUR SONG. DAMMIT!! From the ground up, Dan & Shay. If you like country and somehow haven’t heard it, I recommend you listen to it. However, I didn’t want to hear it. Not then. I couldn’t breathe and tears started streaming… The worst part is, it felt like home. I saw him and my first thought was that I wanted to smile and hug and kiss him…The feeling of seeing someone so familiar and being excited. Then reality hit and I looked away and walked as fast as I possibly could because I knew I couldn’t say anything to him. I knew the tears were coming and I needed to bail asap. As I sat in my car, I begged and prayed that he would reach out… As I sit here, I still wish my phone would go off. My sister says “Don’t give a guy power, stop crying!” So I reached out to my mom instead who STILL talks about him… I said “Mom, can you please just tell me it’s okay to be sad and hurting and crying after seeing him?”. She called me immediately. I bawled again. Hell, I am bawling as I write this. I loved that boy like people who have been married for 50+ years… He was my home. And I watched as he came out and walked away… Again… My heart felt like it was breaking all over again. I still can’t breathe. I can barely think.. I feel like curling up in bed for the rest of the day but I promised myself I was going to cook and listen to music… Thank goodness I bought vodka for the first time in years. I had planned to have a drink while cooking but now I think I will need a few and cooking is still in question. It might turn into a drunken afternoon with sad movies and Oreos. Of all the things in the world, this caught me off guard like a car wreck…Fuck.
What doesn’t help either is that I have been considering going to in-patient and now this… I have enough stress without wondering about Andrew…I am stressed to the max. I had so much else to say but I think I am done for now after all. Perhaps I’ll write more later.
Happy Friday all.