It’s kind of saddening that I can’t spend all my time writing here, since it really is like having my own space. My own mental and emotional space, enough space to express myself.I guess I came back here because I’m going through a rough patch in my life.It’s really nothing that’s a big deal, but still.
I don’t mean to complain either, especially when I have it pretty good in my life. My parent’s provide for me, I have my own room in this small home, I have a horse that I can ride whenever I please and I have enough room where I live to be able to safely jog alone and spend time exercising, something I enjoy.And soon, if I work hard enough, I can be able to have my own career path. Though a few years may not seem like ‘soon,’ but for me, it means the world to be able to support myself.
Sometimes it just sucks living in a small town since everyone knows each-other.I see the person who hurt me sometimes, and I know it’s bad to wish any bad on him.But even-though I know he means a lot to some of my friends or family, deep down, I hate him.
I don’t wish bad on anyone, but a part of me just wants to see him wreck up his life.Or die. One of the two.Because it’s easier not having to face him when I happen to cross paths with him. I’m proud of myself since I’ve kept busy and haven’t been dwelling on my past as much.But I’m also sad.Deep down I’m sad, to a point where sometimes I don’t feel anything since I bury it so deeply.
I love my life too. I love everything about it, except for him. When I look at a picture of family photos, sometimes I like to just block his face from the image and imagine how it could all be different without him.I’m too weak to properly turn him in, and I feel guilty about that. Angry at myself for even worrying about what or who I could lose, or the risks.
But it’s also not my responsibility. Maybe it is, but that doesn’t mean I have to be responsible for it, especially if I have no resources or help to pull myself out of the situation if it goes entirely wrong.Why do I have to feel guilty?
I didn’t choose this, so for once, I want to be able to make the choices about what to do after.Especially when thinking about it makes me psychically sick to my stomach.
I may be strong, but I’m also tired. I just want to find a way to solve all my emotional and past issues, but it doesn’t work that way. I sometimes pray that someone will come to my rescue, help fix all my emotional issues. Help me get over this or come to a resolution.But I’m the only one who can fix myself, no one can do that for me.Sometimes I want comfort or to be held, just because that’s nice, but I’ll have to wait for that.
Anyways, I’ve started exercising ever day, though I’m worried and impatient most of the time. I just hope I get results, eventually.