Home but not okay still

well I’m home now…not sure I’m I’m happy about that or not…I missed my husband but kind of enjoyed the kid free concept. Does that make me a worse parent/person than i already am? My mother came out to help and she’s already riding my ass about eating and drinking the one glass of wine. I get i damaged my body. She doesn’t know the half of it though…I spent the past how many months/years addicted to laxatives and cold medicine? She’s under the impression that i snapped purely from alcohol, severely low potassium and magnesium, and my bipolar craziness that she has yet to try and understand. Hell, my husband knows more than her but still doesn’t fully know what goes thru my head every day. I spend so much energy trying to fake being even slightly happy and okay. It’s exhausting!!!! I’m afraid if i tell anyone the full and complete truth ill be sent away. I don’t want to go away. I don’t want to stuck in a psych ward. Ive played that game. It did more harm than good. Ive made the effort to get put on meds and am trying to get one-on-one therapy. Not group therapy. Not AA or NA. My personality, bipolar mania, and anxiety make those situations counter-productive. I’m old enough and have dealt with myself long enough to know what i need for myself right now. I just don’t know how to make anyone see that…

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