Harry is having his six hours with his father so I get some much needed time to myself! Have been listening to music a bit too loud but I love music so much and it’s been hard not having any time to listen to it! Usually I can only listen to music in the car or when I have a shower in the evening.
My mum did say she didn’t feel like cooking today so she wanted to go to the carvery again for lunch…she seems to look very cross and withdrawn so I am guessing something is up and we’re not going to go. It would do me good to go out and I guess I could drive somewhere myself but it’s Sunday so not much would be open. I’m feeling rather crappy and reflective and it worries me. Maybe that’s why I’m listening to my music so loud, I’m trying to drown out the shit in my head but there is no music loud enough in this world to truly be able to do that.
I try to tell myself that things aren’t as bad as they seem…I tend to put on my dark, negative ‘glasses’ when I look around at life and the world and all the people in it. I often manage to make things seem dire, like it was all the most hopeless, horrendous hellhole ever. Harry is very happy…and I still breastfeed him! I thought he was dropping fees but he’s asking for his morning one again. He asked for extra feed after lunch when we were all staying at my sister’s house. Whenever a health professional sees Harry they all say that he’s busy, content, can concentrate, full of energy, thriving, constantly talking to himself in his own way…he’s fine basically! Also I have recently managed to get him to finally start eating sandwiches, he eats half of one so far.
Maybe the one I’m really worried about is myself. I know I have given up cutting and overdosing and haven’t put myself in hospital since October 2014…wow that’s actually a long time…but yeah anyway my Borderline Personality Disorder and severe Depression still go untreated. Since being a kid I have never actually spoken to all the hundreds of mental health professionals I’ve probably seen over the past seventeen years about what were actually the events that have caused me to spiral out of control so bad, why I was cutting myself and trying to kill myself. I know you wonder how that is possible but I was so resistant to mental health professionals, I didn’t want to talk and I never did. And the more time passed and the more things that happened it eventually became too damn hard and I have only ever trusted people less and less. Now I daren’t say anything. I was put in a private hospital to receive DBT for my BPD but it had been the first time I had ever been sectioned before…I was transferred to this private hospital after a worrying incident where I tried to cut my wrist and end my life on the ward of Whitchurch hospital and I ended up having to have an operation to repair the damage. My parents were obviously strongly pushing for the transfer to a private hospital and a proper diagnosis. But being 19 and having all my freedom taken away? Not many people know what that’s like. I didn’t want to engage with my prison guards, my prison wardens…no way. And I didn’t. Two years and two months I didn’t really talk and managed to stop self harming long enough to be let out. Nothing was better at all but my only goal was to leave that prison. I wasted my own shot at DBT though so I’m now still a Borderline…untreated.
I think memories consume my mind every day and have me completely under their spell as I have NEVER said or spoken about what has TRULY happened to me or what I have TRULY felt. That’s why I was never truly taken seriously, I seemed to be doing all these dangerous things with no reason because I just wouldn’t open up. And now I trust no one at all.
The beast inside of me is wandering among you all…Harry is being cared for by my filed down claws…I never want to hurt him or cause him any pain…that is why I worry so much about myself…I walk around untreated and I don’t know what to do most of that time. I only know to carry on.