Day 9

I havent wrote in a while. Everything was going good until yesterday and today.  Everything reminded me of my dad. I feel like i cant deal with this. Like yesterday i cried all the way to my moms over a song. A song that i dont even think my dad knew about it. My mom is heart broken she cried some last night and i held them back because i didnt want her to see me upset up. When i left i was choked up because i hate leaving her by her self. Then I came home and i cut down a bush. Yes by my self with a chain saw and i even fixed it.  I said to my self. I know you think im crazy and should wait for john to get home but im an strong independent women because you taught me to be that way. You fought so much the last 9 months that you taught me that i can be that person. You may not of thought that you taught me something the last nine months but you did. You are somebody who I will look up to until the day i take my last breath. Then today today was another day that everything i did or heard or saw reminded me of you. First it was that Aleigha got your job. Im so happy for her but that was your job you should be there delivering the mail. You should be standing there in your little cubby. I would of drove to town just to see you today instead i went to south High which i will be stopping. This guy freaked me out. Anyways….I just felt that you should be here. I just wait till your call. I just sit and wait. I sit and want to call you but i cant. I wish i could. I wish you would come visit me. You came and visit Mady but I want you. I want to see you. I want to know your okay. When will I get my turn. When will i get my turn to say hi. But instead i sit here and im jealous of my 2 year old becuase she got to see you.  Then Ashley texted me and told me Disney was paid for and here i sat again like how am i going to get through disney with out you. I know that you want us to go. You said that all along and I am going to go but its not going to be the same. Damn it I just want my daddy. I want my daddy back. Why did God have to take him. Why did he have to have cancer? Why couldnt he beat this. Why couldnt he fight a little bit longer. Why did he have to leave me. What did I do to deserve him to leave me. I hate this. I should of been at the house tonight hanging out with you. Taking care of you. Mom has so much ginger ale so i sit there and drink it. I miss making it flat for you. I was the one who knew how to make it. I was the one who knew just the right amount of flatness you like. Then i sit there and im like John put beer with you i should of put ginger ale instead i put your favorite eagles shirt with you which i regret because i want it. Dang it. My mind was racing that week and i just was like no that has to go.  Man i want it. Now i cant have it. I cried tonight to Johns dad called tonight and danica said she wanted to talk to grandpa. I wish she get to talk to you on the phone instead she gets to go to the cemetary and talk to you there. How fair is this. Why cant my babies have their pop pop instead they get pictures and go to a place where they dont understand. Danica had a moment tonight she came out of her room screaming that she was upset and scared. She said that something scared her. I dont know what she kept saying something smells. I didnt smell anything. Ive asked her if she has seen you in her dreams she says no but you came and visit mady and she doesnt understand why you wont visit her. She misses you. Damn dad there is so much going on here that i wish you can see. I know on wednesday after Madys surgery and after you got off work you would of stopped by and seen her. She is doing great she is much more happier moving her tongue. You should see her. I hate that Im having bad days all of a sudden. Its like i do so good and then i go down hill. I havent visit you lately so Im going tomorrow. I got you a flower it dances in the sun light you always loved those Mom always got the window sill a new one if she saw one. Well i saw this one and i just had to get you it. I dont know how long it will last but i had to get it.  Mom is hanging in there. Some days are better than others. She has better days then bad. She is mad that you left her. But she knows that your better off. She wants to know your okay. We all do. We all want to know your okay. Mom is getting excited to go to disney but she knows its going to be hard. Please watch over us make us have a good time. If not its going to be a LONG SIX DAYS. Well I think im going to end this here i did a lot of ranting. LYD

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