I have a reason to celebrate. I finally told the truth. I’ve been lying to myself and lying to my fiancee for years. Holding on to these little lies for years as they grew and grew and grew heavy on me like a monster on back. I wish I could say that I worked up the courage and confessed on my own but I was somewhat forced. He knew all along but was just waiting for me to confess. All these years he kept this animosity against me. Looking at me with disgust as I continued to lie to his face even believing it myself. To be honest I put it so far out of my mind because I didn’t want to remember. I was so ashamed. I still am ashamed but at least I got it off my chest and was real with him and myself.
As I prepared to open my mouth and confess to the man that I love that I am a liar my heart felt like it was going to exploded. Like if I open my mouth to begin to talk my heart will literally come out of my mouth. Checked my FitBit and my heart rate was up in the 90’s but I spoke. I never thought I would say those words out loud. Words that I thought would die with me never to surface on earth. The crazy part was that it really wasn’t that big of a deal. It was the simple fact that I said I didn’t do something but I did. Then I lied. And continued to lie to someone who values honesty more than life itself. Someone who told me countless times being a liar was the worst thing someone could be. It was these kind of statements that reminded me I could never tell him. All along though he would say these things to see I’d continue to lie. To give me an opportunity to be truthful on my own. I couldn’t too scared of the outcome.
This time it was different though. He told me he knew things. My relationship was on the line. I was tired of lying. I was trying to take strides in life to better myself. I had alot to lose but I was ready. Scared but ready. Scared of the outcome. Scared to be alone without my love. But I did and I’ve never been happier. I didn’t even know if he accepted me or not but whether I lost my fiancee or not I was/am truly happy. So happy to have that weight off my chest and so happy to live freely without fear. Thank you Lord!